Not sure what to make of this...

A friend (actually a best friend), with whom I've been having some recent difficulty, just said to me that I "need to try to heal" after telling me that I'm always upset. Thanks for the tip. I'll get right on that. WTF

::sigh:: Here's to a great morning

Wise Words and Apologies

Usually I'm a Christmas Freak. I love decorating, lights, shopping, wrapping presents, singing, the whole nine yards. This part time job is kicking my proverbial ass. I'm tired, bitchy, and never home. Its the week OF Christmas and we still only have lights on the tree. Classic.

My mom said the saddest thing ever to me on the phone today, too. I guess she told my Memere (grandmother for those of you who are not French-Canadian) that I had a miscarriage. She had lost twins after my dad and his sister were born and she said that even though she knew that she couldn't have provided for the babies and that it really was the best thing that she lost them, her heart still ached. There is no convincing your heart. So true.

On another note, apparently I have been a raging bitch every where else in my life. I'm embarrassed to admit that it is true. I am mad at the world, and I can't get away from it. I haven't had much fun in a while, and I can't say that it isn't my fault. Although I've been working a lot, I haven't made anytime for the things that make me happy - exercise (no, I'm not lying), crafting, and hanging out with friends. Not only that, my friends are now avoiding my bitchtastic self.

Although I've been a raging lunatic, I can honestly say that my closest of friends has been anything but supportive. She has never asked me how things are going after all of this, and actually changes the subject if I bring it up. She has said the detested "you know they didn't mean it that way" to me at least 3 times. She blatantly avoids seeing me, and, this weekend for example, would rather watch a movie than hang out with me on my only night off in over a month. Now, I don't expect her to drop everything just for me (well maybe a little) but I am a little hurt that she didn't even sound disappointed or attempt to make other plans. While I know I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now, shouldn't your best friend love you unconditionally?

I keep trying to tell myself that I have a reason to be this way, but I really don't. Things can always be worse. I just have to figure out a way to claw back up to the surface and most likely apologize to a few people...

"They didn't mean it that way"

If one more person says that to me, I might punch them.

Do you really think that I'm that stupid that I didn't know that what they said wasn't intended to hurt my feelings? Do you think I'm looking to get upset every time someone mentions something baby related?

I can't believe that all the people in my life that I love so much, can't see how even when the intentions are innocent it still hurts like a b*tch. I understand my misfortune has nothing to do with others' fortune, but it still sucks. If someone's dog just died would you go around them and complain about how much of a pain in the ass your dog is? I think not. Most people would call you insensitive.

I don't know when it will be "my turn" so stop asking. I know that it is exciting to feel your baby move for the first time, and you should be excited, but it still makes me want to cry to hear about it. Am I not allowed to say that to a friend just to vent? I know that your baby bump isn't there just to make me feel bad, and it is more than uncomfortable to be pregnant, but I don't want to hear about it. Does that make me a bad person? I know that it isn't easy to have a baby before you are married. Should I feel bad for you even though you don't realize the miracle that you have?

I'm so sick of feeling this way. But I'm also sick of people not understanding, or trying to understand. I didn't think I'd still be upset two and a half months later, but I am, and I don't think that I should have to feel like that is wrong.

And the week gets better...

I volunteered to make a cheesecake for Thanksgiving with my family. I decided that, since I was working 2 jobs and yesterday was M's birthday, I would make it today because I don't have to work until 3.

I went to the store, picked up what I needed, came home and started cooking. Pre-heat the oven for 325. After about 10 minutes the house smells terrible. I open the oven and a big cloud of smoke comes out. I hadn't put anything in yet.

Apparently, my husband sprayed oven cleaner in the oven 2 days ago and never wiped it out. I almost burned the house down. Great.

Now I have no cheesecake, 30 minutes, and a completely ruined oven. I hope we don't need a new one....

Happy Thanksgiving - FAIL

BF...

N. FML

Will someone please let me off this terrible ride??

How NOT to make yourself less obssessive and crazy

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets excited this is NOT a pregnancy test!

So, the other day, I decided to test the "OPK as HPT" theory found here because I have a plethora of OPK's and I'm too cheap and busy to go out and buy some HPT's.

This is what I got this morning:

Almost positive. The test line is on the left and the control line is on the right. An OPK is positive when the test line (or part of it) is as dark or darker than the control line. I have never gotten a more positive OPK, even when I was using them correctly. (Disclaimer: I have seen them more positive in photos, my my tests are consistently "almost" positive when I'm about to ovulate, and get lighter from this point)

So now I'm completely freaking out. I dumped out my pee so I will have to wait until tomorrow morning, unless I can make it to a CVS before working tonight. I don't really want to buy HPT's at my new Target job, but I might not be able to resist. Tomorrow is DH's birthday, wouldn't it be fun to wrap up a positive and give it to him!!!!

Again, I'll keep you all posted....

What to do, what to do

So, I'm either 11 or 14 dpo. I decided not to chart this cycle, because I didn't want to be an obsessive crazy person, but now I'm an obsessive crazy person.

My instincts say, not pregnant, but I still have some phantom symptoms. I woke up today a little nauseous (but I ate mac and cheese at 10 last night), I'm exhausted (but I started working part time this week), overly emotional (but my pregnant cousin is up from Florida for Thanksgiving and we are having her shower at my house this Saturday), and funny cramps (which could be gas, or anything really). Can you tell that TTC has left me full of doubt???

I am contemplating when, or if, to test. I want to test right now, but I don't want to see a BFN. It's M's birthday on Tuesday and I don't want to give him a BFN for his birthday, but a BFP would be awesome. I don't want to test too close to Thanksgiving or the shower, but I also don't want to be worrying at those times either. I must've been crazy when I offered to host the shower. I wasn't planning on it lining up with a testing/AF week. Life can be entirely cruel at times.

I hate this cycle, with a passion.

So, I'm not sure if I should pick up tests or not. I feel like a crazy person. I will keep you all posted for sure.

Update

So apparently, I suck at blogging. Well, at least right now I do, lol.

Right now there isn't anything exciting going on in life. I think I ovulated or am ovulating right now. I skipped OPK's and temping this cycle and just decided to go with it and make it fun. It seems to be working ;). I'm hoping in just about 2 weeks I will be able to keep AF away for at least 9 months. Eh, we'll see.

Otherwise it seems like everyone is life, who isn't married, is getting pregnant. I know that it's something I need to deal with, but it does get very frustrating. M keeps saying how we did everything "right" and we're still going through all of this while all these people just get pregnant by accident or after 2 tries. I know how he's feeling, I just am afraid to let myself feel that way because I've been in that dark hole before and I don't want to go back. Not fun.

I'm trying to keep on a happy face, but it's hard sometimes. My friends don't completely understand how difficult a miscarriage is, which is understandable as none of them have had one. I think sometimes they are surprised when things they say upset me. For example, we found out someone we know who is engaged is pregnant and my friend proceeded to try to convince me how much that would suck. I can deal with the pregnancy news but I cannot be convinced that that would suck. Then when I told him that he was being completely insensitive, he went on about how he didn't mean it that way and he can't believe I'm upset. Gotta love it.

On a more positive note, I'm thoroughly excited that Thanksgiving is here soon. Next Wednesday we get to go see the Trans Siberian Orchestra, which I can't wait for. I've never been. My brother got that for Christmas for my parents, M, and me. I just went to Christmas Tree Shops to buy Christmas dishes for Christmas dinner. I'm excited to be able to use them. I also bought Christmas cards, some disposable plates, and a small christmas tree with little ornaments that I'm going to send to M's cousin in Iraq.

Also, I've started to send my lazy ass to the gym. I've been doing yoga twice a week, which I love, and I've been trying to go at least 3 other times to run on the treadmill and do some weights. Sometimes it's hard to find motivation, but right now I'm enjoying it. I'm also in the process of getting a part time job at Target. In the photo lab. I think it will be fun, but I will definitely be busy!

I do love the holiday season. Can't wait to get a Christmas tree and start decorating after Thanksgiving! Here's a fun picture of our tree from last year. Happy Holidays!

CD1

I forgot how much the first day of my period sucks.  I had to leave work early because my cramps were so bad, and I threw up on the way home. Fun.

I am excited to start a new cycle, and there is always a possibility that this will be it.  It's exciting and heartbreaking all at once.  I am thrilled at the prospect that we did get pregnant once, so maybe it will just happen more quickly this time.  Who knows?

I also decided that I need to do something about this funk.  Most days I'm ok, but the last few I've been pretty miserable.  My aunt just posted a picture of me on facebook and I almost cried.  So, I've used my birthday money to sign up for the gym.  I have a personal training appointment on Thursday afternoon, and I want to start yoga.  There is a class tonight, and I'm trying to convince myself to go.  We'll see how I feel in a few hours, it is cd1 after all!  I'm hoping some exercise and possibly shedding some poundage will give me a more positive outlook on things (and let me fit comfortably in my cutest outfits, which we know is really the reason).  I'm about 2 sizes away from the plus size stores and that completely freaks me out.

I've also decided to try to look on the bright side, so here is my nauseating positivity post:

-I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, and 2 cute dogs

-I have a great job with amazing students and I love going there everyday (at least ththe first part is true, heehee)

-I will be a mother some day, that day isn't today, but I get closer to that goal each day

-I love exercising and can't wait to start going to the gym (I'm trying to convince myself) and yoga sounds thrilling

I don't know if I feel better, but I am going to try to look on the bright side and make an effort to do the right thing!  Here's to new beginnings...

Spotting

I started spotting on Friday, and I was expecting my period in full force, but I'm still spotting.  I feel like this whole m/c is much more of an annoying waiting game than TTC ever was.  (I know in a few months I will retract that statement, but for now I'm sticking with it :P)

I think I will start temping in the AM, also.  I'm itching to have a chart going, I'm just hoping it won't stress me out more.  If my period starts tomorrow, that will be 40 days since the m/c, which isn't too bad.  I am at least glad that I didn't have to wait the 2 months my doctor prepared me for.

Hopefully I'll get my new beginning tomorrow. :)

Happy Birthday to ME!

It was my 26th birthday yesterday.  M was the sweetest and set my present up in the morning before I went to work with a bouquet of pink roses.  He's the best!  Then family and friends came over for ice cream cake and snacks.  It was just so perfect!

So I feel like I'm finally moving on and I'm back to my old self a little more each day.  Sometimes I still cry and have moments of sadness but they are getting fewer and farther between.  Work is slowing down a little, but I'm aware that it's only a matter of time so to speak!

I'm excited for halloween and costume parties!  I love having something to look forward to.  Hopefully I can pull my costume together before it all starts.  I might have to post a picture when its all set...

Now I can move on

I am officially not pregnant anymore. My beta, as of Monday, was 2. I feel so relieved. I'm just hoping my period will be here soon and then I can really move on. So bittersweet...

Irrational Fears

I can say that I've never been one to have irrational fears.  I'm very black and white.  I have always had an understanding that I can't change the past, it is what it is, and I should move on.  Right now I'm stuck, and I can't believe I'm thinking some of the things I am thinking.  So I thought I'd share, just to get them out in the open.  I don't need anyone to say that "its normal to have these feelings" or to tell me how irrational some of them are, I just need to get them out.

1. I'm afraid to get pregnant again because I might have another miscarriage.  I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage.

2.  I'm afraid this "mourning" period will never end

3.  What if there is something about me that I don't know about that will prevent me from having children or being pregnant.  Can I keep trying if that is really what is going on?

4. I'm afraid to keep crying.  Am I normal? Am I having a break down?

5. I'm afraid that I won't be able to be happy for others who are having babies and celebrate with them.  I'm afraid I'll take out my pain on them

6. I'm afraid no one will want to be around me because I'm such a downer

7. I'm afraid all this stress is affecting my job performance

8. I'm afraid we don't deserve children

9. I'm afraid this will break up my marriage

10. I'm afraid of letting people know what is going on, even though they can tell I'm having a hard time.

I think 10 is enough.  *sigh* I feel a little better

Not sure what the title of this should be

So, it's been a roller coaster these last few days/weeks.  I am beginning to feel like I'm the only one in my life that remembers my m/c.  My friends are no longer asking me how I am, my family has already moved on, M tries not to bring it up, but I seem to be stuck.  No matter how much I want to move on, I still feel like I can't.  I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either.  It's a tough place to be.

It seems like everything in life makes me think of the baby.  Movies with the nephew, shopping for birthday presents, going out to eat, etc. etc.  I can't get away from maternity clothes, baby toys, cute kids, and always reminding myself that it isn't that time for me yet.  I think that might be the difficult part, that I don't know when it will be the time for us.  I hope its soon.

I'm having some irrational fears about trying again.  I don't know how excited I will be the next time I get a BFP.  I think I'll be petrified.  This loss has really shaken me in a way I didn't expect.  I keep trying to tell myself that if it happened once it will happen again, but I'm a little afraid that when it does happen again, I'll be such a nervous wreck it won't quite be the experience that it should be.

**sigh**

I am excited to say that being back at work helps.  Doing things help.  I'm trying to get back into crafting, which always passes the time in a productive way.  My mom and I are taking a knitting class next week which should be fun.  I'm trying to figure out how to improve my quilting skills and try some new things with my sewing machine.  I also know that I have classes coming up and I'm a little afraid that I will be too overwhelmed with all of that to keep the house in order and still find time for fun things for myself.

My birthday is also coming up.  26.  Nothing exciting about 26.  I've decided to forgo the usual big celebration and go for something smaller.  Working out the logistics seems impossible right now though.  I wanted to do a dinner party for our closest friends, but my BFF has her father's birthday celebration next weekend, there is a Pat's game on Sunday, and I have 2 surprise 30th birthday parties for 2 different people on 2 days.  Not to mention classes start back up in 2 weeks.  I'm hoping that we can still work something out for next Sunday.  I definitely need a fun project and party to put me in a better mood.

I have 6 minutes before I leave for work,

so I thought I'd update my blog.  Completely normal, right?

This past weekend was incredibly emotional for me.  I don't know if it was because I spent most of it in class, or I had my cousin's wedding.  I was completely anxious, almost to the point of a panic attack, and  I just couldn't calm down.  It was nice to see family at the wedding, but my parents had spread the news of the miscarriage.  It was inevitable that people would want to talk to me about it, even though I knew I wasn't ready for that.  I only cried twice while I was there, both because people brought up the miscarriage to wish their condolences.  I never knew this could be sooooooooooo difficult.  

Also, I have an eye infection.  Great.  So I have to wear my glasses (that Tyson so lovingly chewed a few days ago) for over a week.  The eye doctor refused to give me an eye exam while I have an infection, which completely irritated me on Monday and added to my anxiety.  Hopefully I can get through the week with minimal discomfort, get a new pair next week, and start to feel better.

I am thoroughly impatient about waiting for my period.  We aren't supposed to be trying until after I get it, but I can't help feeling like we're wasting time.  I know that it is best for us and the phantom baby to wait, but it is so hard.  I'm hoping it will only be a few short weeks and that my beta is already below 0 (I have to call the dr. today to see what Monday's results were).

Off to work, hopefully today will go well :)

And the saga continues...

Just got back from my follow-up appointment.  The dr. wasn't great.  She basically told me again that "it looks like you've had a miscarriage."  REALLY????? Is that what's been going on for over a week!!!!!!  Thank you for clearing that up.  I have to go for 2 more blood tests to make sure that my BETA is returning to zero so I don't need a D&C.  On Monday, my beta was a 225, which is down by more than half which is a good sign.

I asked her if, since its been a year that we've been trying, if we should start going for test or anything.  Her response, "But you've conceived.  So there's no problem, you are considered normal.  Hopefully it won't take another year for the second."  WHAT!!!  I was completely not expecting her to say that, nor did I have the realization that it might take another year to get pregnant, again.  It just brought me back down to depressed, stressed, and anxious.  Thank you for that.  I guess its reality and I need to move on, but I feel like I'm back at the bottom of the hill, or down in the ditch at the bottom of the hill.

Needless to say, I will be looking for another OBGYN for when I do get pregnant, and possibly in a few more months to see if they will run some tests.  We had already decided to wait until at least January to start searching for more options and getting testing done, but now it just seems hopeless.  Can I really go through another year of all this?

Moving Forward

That last few days have been surreal. I'm beginning to come to terms with my loss. My tears don't come as frequently, and I am actually able to talk about that day, what happened, and what is going to happen moving forward. I know that the pain comes back in waves, full force, every so often, but I seem to be able to pull it together and make it through each day.

M and I have started to talk about what we are going to do moving forward. After my blood test on Monday, hopefully I won't need to go in for a D&C (where they dilate my cervix and remove any remaining "stuff" from my uterus, since there's no embryo/fetus it would mostly be lining) and I'll have a chance to talk with my doctor. Since I haven't actually spoken to my OB, I have been getting most of my "do-nots" from the world wide web. I'm hoping we'll get the go-ahead to start trying again right after my first period. M thinks we should continue taking a charting break and just use OPK's for a while. It seems to help keep everything fun and spontaneous, although I hope I can stay distracted during the 2ww.

I wasn't expecting to be back here, in this trying-to-conceive place, again for a while. M is having trouble coming to terms with everything. He doesn't want to really talk about it yet, and usually I am reassuring him that we do deserve a baby, and no, it isn't fair but we have to get through it and stay positive. It's hard for me to see him so unsure and distraught. I just hope that I can help him get through all of this with minimal damage.

On another note, we went to a much needed and deserved party last night for my BFF's birthday. It was nice to just hang around, talk, and laugh, and not think about it for a few hours. I did get a few side-eyes when I had a glass of wine, but M was great at quietly explaining the situation to people and asking them not to bring it up. I am beginning to feel like life is getting back to normal, which is totally a relief. And a little guitar-hero tournament always helps to make you feel better ;)

It's official

Anytime I've lived something difficult I always wonder what lesson I am supposed to learn, or how is this trial going to help me later in life. I have always lived believing that there is a reason for everything, and for some reason I have to live this hell. I hope that I know what that reason is soon and that I can turn this negative into a positive, somehow. I'm struggling.

I got the call from my doctor about 30 minutes ago (actually, I was harassing my doctor and called). My BETA is 561 right now but the ultrasound didn't show a gestational sac or fetal pole. They believe that I miscarried yesterday in the Ultrasound room right before my internal ultrasound. How ironic. I have to go back Monday morning to make sure that my numbers are decreasing and I don't need a D&C. I really hope I don't need a D&C.

I can't explain in words how difficult it is to know that our baby is gone. Although it's only been 2 1/2 weeks that I knew the baby was there, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and twisted in knots. I know that the baby is in a better place and this happened for a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've felt better today than yesterday, but I still cry at the drop of a hat. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, or to seeing all of our friends at a party on Saturday. I don't want to see all the sad faces of people feeling bad for us, or hear all their condolences. I don't know if I'll make it out of that alive.

I just hope that I can keep the pieces together and make it through the next few weeks. I hope that I hear that everything is ok and we can keep trying for another. I hope that I don't ever have to feel this pain again, and one day I can hold my beautiful little one and decide that it was all worth it. Right now, the last year of my life feels like a waste.

It's over.

Although I haven't heard official confirmation from my doctor, I went for an ultrasound and the tech could only find a large mass of uterine lining moving towards my cervix. Right before this, I had to empty my bladder and when I wiped, I found a small, purplish, hard clot. I knew at that moment that this was my baby.

I know I should be thankful that I was able to even get pregnant after over a year of trying. I know that I should be grateful for all of the wonderful things that I have in my life, healthy family, wonderful friends, and a great husband, but I'm so sad. I don't think I've ever felt this sad. I wish I knew why this happened, and, although I know that I probably never will, its difficult not to have "what ifs" and guilt.

I have never experienced as much pain as I felt to pass that clot. I had cold sweats, nausea, and I could barely get off the couch to drive to the radiology center. When I got there, the women who worked there put me in the back room because I was shaking and crying and in so much pain I could barely see straight. I was convinced this was an ectopic pregnancy, and I'm glad that I was wrong.

I don't know if I can say that I'm surprised, because I always knew there was a chance of miscarriage, but I convinced myself to have hope that this baby would stick. I can say that I'm sad for me and I'm not sure when I will be ready to start this process again. I just can't wait until the day that God decides we get to have a baby, and I'm trying to focus on the fact that that will happen some day and I just need to get through this tough time first.

Spotting

I started spotting yesterday afternoon during a particularly challenging parent meeting. It sux. Right now it's only pink spotting, but I had a little bit of darker spotting this morning. I called the doctor and she told me to put my feet up and call her back if it gets red or heavy. I'm also having cramping, which adds to the stress.

I'm freaking out. It is so hard to remain calm when you know what this could mean. I keep trying to tell myself that if things are going to turn out bad, there is nothing I can do to change it. I keep trying to think about all my friends who have had spotting during the 1st trimester and everything turned out fine. I cried in the shower this morning. I just don't know what this means.

I have been praying a lot, too. Not just for this baby to be safe but for the strength and calm to get through whatever this is. I just know that its going to be hard for me to concentrate today with my students. I would call out but we have contractually obligated Curriculum Night tonight (open house is a more common name for it) until 7:30 this evening. Fun.

I just hope that I don't have to call the doctor back...

5 weeks 1 day

I still can't believe that I'm actually pregnant. It's just unbelievable...

My dear husband can't seem to keep his mouth closed though, so now that our entire town knows about it I'm a little worried that something will happen. I'm trying to deal with those emotions without being irrational, but irrationality appears to be a symptom of pregnancy, lol.

Right now my symptoms include on and off cramping, a little nausea, fatigue (I take a nap every afternoon, just like my grandparents, lol), and some mood swings. There has only been one casualty of my mood swings though, poor M. As of today, my new symptom is vurping. I know you're all jealous.

I'm going to try and get M on board with the weekly belly pics, but right now he seems to think that's cheesy. We'll see about that...

+ Blood test!

Just got the results that my blood test was positive! My primary care wouldn't do a BETA because she is not an OB or a GYN, just internal medicine.

I also made my OB appointment for September 25, but I don't think that day can come fast enough! Hopefully, because I'm back to work the time will fly by.

Crazy weekend

It's amazing how much your life can change in one instant. I woke up Saturday morning having an internal conflict about testing. I knew I had 2 internet cheapies in my "bag" and I couldn't decide if I wanted to test or not. I thought, "it would be good to just confirm negative, but why do you have to test if you know it will be negative?" Because I didn't chart this cycle I have no proof of good timing, or ovulation at all, so why did I need to torture myself?

Eventually I decided just to take a test, it was there, and then I would be able to move past the BFN and not wonder for the next few days, if AF didn't show. I peed in a cup and dipped the stick. I had a hard time walking away from the test once I took it so I sat there and watched. Nothing. So I got up and went back to bed for 2 minutes and went back to check the test (within the 5 minute time limit). I swear there was the faintest of faint lines. I asked M if he saw it and he said he did.

I threw on some clothes and drove to CVS. I cried the whole way there. Could it really be positive? It can't be. I'm imagining things and I shouldn't get my hopes up. For over a year I always thought "this is the cycle" and then was completely disappointed when it wasn't. So I was preparing myself for the worst. I bought 2 boxes of HPT's; digitals and First Response Early Response. Just to be sure.

When I got home, I dipped the digital into the cup, and less than one minute later this is what came up:


I couldn't believe it. M jumped on me when I showed it to him and I cried, and cried, and cried. You know God must have a sense of humor. I can't believe it, I'm actually knocked up!!!!!!

We decided to tell our parents right away. M's dad was excited, his mom jumped up and down and hugged us and cried. It took her a few minutes to figure out what we were talking about when we told her that our niece and nephew might have a new cousin on the way. My mom and dad cried and hugged me when I showed them the picture of the positive test. My mom couldn't believe that after all my worrying that I didn't need to worry at all. I was already pregnant.

Needless to say, I'm canceling my appointment with the RE for Friday and hopefully I can get in tomorrow for a BETA just to confirm. As the ladies from the bump reminded me, Disney really is a magical place!

Next steps...

So, I came home from vacation with a sinus infection and was put on penicillin. Apparently, I'm allergic to penicillin and had to make another trip to the doctor this morning. Fortunately, I was able to see my actual doctor and after she checked out my hives, we were able to talk about the baby-making situation.

She gave me the go ahead and said she would send a referral if necessary to begin seeing a specialist. She recommended the Infertility Clinic at Women and Infants Hospital. I decided to make an appointment, the first available. I will be going in next Friday to see my new doctor.

This is a bittersweet moment for me. I am excited to see what the next steps are but sad that I have to even take this step. I'm coming to the end of this (mystery) cycle, and I think I will be testing this weekend if AF holds off. Hopefully I will be able to call them and cancel on Monday, but I won't be holding my breath.

Back in town with a new attitude!

Just got back from our trip to Disney (if we can't have a kid, why not be a kid, right?) and I feel completely renewed. We got to eat whatever we wanted, got lots of walking exercise, and got to relax and spend time together. It was great! (I forgot how much more fun non-baby-making sex is, ::giggles::)

We also had time to discuss what we think will be happening in our future. It has been difficult for me to get my mind off of TTC; any thoughts that I had were entirely negative. It was nice just to say it out loud to the hubs and for him to be able to respond. We talked about what we would do once we get to the doctors, how soon we would think of alternate treatments, how much money we would consider spending, and how we feel about it all. We also tried to come up with as many smart-@ss responses to the "when will you have kids" questions as we could. At least now when people ask, I'll have a reason to smile!

We haven't made any definite decisions but it is nice to know that we are on the same page, and the pressure is off until October 1st when I go to the doctor. We are both still young and have plenty of time. There is no reason to rush, which is an entirely new feeling for me. I felt like we were running out of time, but we really aren't. Hell, Celine Dion is over 40 and knocked up, that gives us a good 15 years! (hopefully, we don't need it, :P)

I think the hubs is starting to hit a wall, though. He keeps saying how unfair it is for everyone else to get pregnant quickly but when we waited to get our lives in order, now that we are ready, we're having issues. He is starting to realize how difficult it can be to be happy for others but sad for yourself and how hard it is not to think "Why are we being punished!" It's funny to hear him describe all of the emotions that I have been trying to explain for the last few months and it is even more essential for me to be the ray of sunshine. If we're both depressed, we're doomed.

I actually feel relieved. Like I can breath and not live life by CDwhatever, OPK's and cervical mucus... at least for right now.

Hello cycle 11

Ug. My period starts today. This is the start of cycle 11 of trying to have a baby. It is so depressing. We really gave it our best shot this cycle, sexcapade and all. Oh well.

We are discussing taking a trip these next few weeks. Possibly Cedar Point, the Keys, or Disney. We can't decide. I do think we need to celebrate the start of cycle 11, so that I don't feel completely depressed and hopeless.

I am trying to make a dr's appointment for M. Hopefully we can get an SA (semen analysis) to see if it is a quick fix before I can go to the dr. in September. I just feel like it might never happen. I'm having a difficult time with that thought. Will we think of paying for IUI or IVF or just go to adoption. Lots of questions with few answers.

Hopefully a trip will help take our minds off of this. Maybe a charting break is in order??

EWCM

For those of you that might not know what that is, it is Egg White Cervical Mucus. I had some yesterday and I'm still smiling! For me, EWCM is like finding a $50 bill in a pocket of an old sweater. It is the best environment for sperm to travel from your cervix to your fallopian tubes to meet up with an egg.

I have not had any EWCM in all 9 of my previous cycles. I've tried green tea, Evening Primrose Oil, and Robitussin to increase the amount of fertile cervical fluid that I have. All to no avail. During the last two cycles I have begun to use Pre-seed to try and replace EWCM and make a friendly home for those little swimmers in my body.

I also had a positive OPK and my temp went up this morning. Hopefully it stays up. Either way, I am worried about the 2WW (week wait) because this is the first cycle that I feel like my body has a good chance of a BFP. I don't know how long I will be able to avoid those damn pee sticks. I can already feel them staring at me from my fertility bag upstairs. (yes, I have a fertility bag. Don't laugh. It contains OPK's, some free HPT's and my Pre-seed. I try not to show it to guests, lol)

Wish me luck (and patience)....

What not to do when TTC...

I completely fell off the wagon last night and messed up my usual TTC routine. I had 3 glasses of sh*tty wine and 2 shots, went to bed late, forgot to take my temp this morning, didn't have my PNV with breakfast, and forgot to take an OPK in the morning.

Normally I wouldn't care if I wasn't approaching the big O (ovulation that is). I hate to have missed a temp so close to when I usually have a temp shift, now I will be second guessing my crosshairs. Ug! Also, I like to take 2 OPK's a day, one in the late morning and one in the late afternoon because I often miss my LH surge and never get a positive. I'm hoping that I don't miss it because I drank a little too much last night and can't get my act together!

At least I had fun! Got to see my DH's cousin who is home from the Army and going overseas in a month. Also, ran into my cousin (and due to my sloppy nature, I kinda spilled the beans on trying to get pregnant, oops). It was great to chat with her on other topics as well.

::sigh:: Silly me... I must stay on that wagon tonight!!

Summer Reading

One of my favorite things to do in the summer time is catch up on my pleasure reading. During the school year, I never seem to have time to read (especially now that I am getting my master's as well). It's also a way for me to keep my mind off of the TTC process.

This morning I finished reading Jodi Picoult's The Pact. It is about a teenage boy and girl who grew up together and started dating. The girl ends up dead and the boy is the only witness. He claims it was a suicide pact. I love how she connects all of the characters and provides their points of view. This is one of her earlier books, but it is still a great read.

I just started reading Janet Evanovich's One for the Money. It is part of a series with the main character Stephanie Plum who is a bounty hunter. She is a funny character to follow and the suspects she gets involved with are all part of an interesting crime. I am almost halfway through the book and it's only been a day!

I'm going to try to figure out a way to put a list of books that I have read on the side bar. This way I can keep track!

Yipee for a productive day!

So this is what I did today:

-cleaned shower, tub, bathroom floor and toilets
-washed hardwoods
-changed sheets on the bed
-vaccuumed
-gave 2 dogs a bath (always a feat)
-read a book and floated in the pool

I love having a clean house and clean dogs are even better! Here they are in their glory:
Aren't they cute! I'm just waiting for M to get out of the shower so we can go get some brown sugar to make some yummy chocolate cookies for all of the festivities tomorrow. Happy Fourth!

Post #1

So, I thought I would sum up our TTC journey so far.

We decided in Aug 2008 to officially start to try to have a baby. I began charting BBT and all of that to figure out what my best and most fertile days would be. My first cycle was anovulatory and lasted until October. My cycles returned to normal (ovulatory and less than 35 days on average) over the next few months.

In December 2008, we had to find a new place to live (living with FIL wasn't working out to say the least). During that time, we took a break from charting and just continued to TTC the old-fashioned way. We found a beautiful new home (that is all ours!) and moved in February 2009.

In April, I decided to start charting again. Since then, I have used OPK's, tried green tea, and Evening Primrose Oil (to increase EWCM), taken PNV's, used Pre-seed, and peed on lots of sticks. Still no BFP's.

This month we are on to cycle #10. It is very discouraging to think that we are coming so close to the 1 year mark. I never expected to be in this situation, and never anticipated any fertility issues. Some days I feel very sad and other days excited to keep trying. Hopefully, we will see those 2 precious lines soon!