The Big Switch

To formula that is.

We've decided (well really I've decided because lets face it they are MY boobs) to start switching to formula. 

Going back to work has been somewhat stressful for me - although thanks to 2 snow days last week and a holiday today, I've spent more time at home that at work!  The stressful part is pumping.  I really don't like pumping.

It's weird to take your boobs out in your classroom - even if the door is locked.  And the janitor unlocked my door without even knocking one day and just walked in.  Who opens a locked door without knocking?!

It takes at least 20 minutes to set up, pump, clean up.  Thankfully my mother bought me a pumping bra for Christmas so I can do some work while pumping because I can use my hands.

I'm just not responding to the pump as well as I'd like.  I had to pump 3 times a day to get enough milk for 2 feedings the next day.  I would often have to pump again before bed just to make sure there was enough for the babysitter. 

I just ended up being more anxious about the time I was taking away from my job - (who wants to be at work longer than they have to just to pump?) - the amount of milk I was or wasn't getting, and just the overall uncomfortable feeling of pumping.

I know in the back of my head that he'll be fine with formula, but I also have a little guilt because I feel like I'm being selfish.  I know rationally that my sanity is more important to Ezra's emotional health and being overly occupied with how many ounces of formula are in the fridge is counterproductive - but I still feel like I'm going to damage him somehow.  I think it's just a mom guilt thing.

On a positive note, he's taken the formula without any issues! Which is great for my anxiety.  He hasn't been anymore gassy or fussy or anything. 

Also, it has made trips away from the baby less anxious for me as well.  It is hard to plan your day in 3 hour increments when life is so unpredictable.  I was feeling like I couldn't be away from him for too long in case he got hungry or cranky.  Now it's much easier to just bring some formula with us in case he gets hungry or to send it with him to the sitter's.  I don't have to worry about having "enough" food.

He had also been getting a little frustrated at the breast, I think because the bottle's flow is faster than mine and because my supply had dipped a little and he had to work harder for food.  It put me over the edge a couple of times.  And now I don't have to worry about him getting enough to eat.

It's nice to let other people feed him, too.  And who really wants to get partially undressed in public or at a friend's house?

I still plan on feeding him in the mornings and when I'm home with him at night as much as I can for as long as I can.  And I'm going to continue one pumping session at lunch time each day.  I'll send some fresh milk and some of our frozen stash to the sitter's each day until it runs out. 

I think after a few days, I'll get used to the change a little more but I really do enjoy giving him a bottle.  He looks at me and around the room and he hangs onto my pinky finger.  It's the cutest thing ever.

Breastfeeding... in public

Since this is the Christmas season, it was absolutely necessary for me to take little Ezra on a shopping trip this week.  And no matter how much I planned ahead, I ended up spending more time than I'd planned, which meant Ezra got hungry... at the mall.

I won't mention the name of the mall but for those of you familiar with the area that I'm in, it is a mall that is very close to my house and bears the name of a certain gemstone.

With a screaming baby, I calmly walked to the main desk at the mall and asked if there was a mother's room or a place in the mall that would work for breastfeeding.  The young man at the desk said "No, but JC Penney's bathrooms are fairly clean."

Ummmm, would you eat your lunch there????

Can you just picture me, sitting on the toilet in the bathroom feeding a baby.  Very sanitary.

I was surprised that he couldn't point me in the direction of one of those bathrooms with a lounge area like you might find in a Nordstrom, and I wasn't aware of one that wasn't actually inside the bathroom.  So this means I'm going to breastfeed in public.

I found a lonely bench outside of Sears, covered up, and started feeding the baby.  What surprised me the most, was how obviously uncomfortable I made many of the other shoppers.  Many would look at me and then quickly look away, I even got a few dirty looks.

Anyone who knows me, knows that in situations like these - I tend to speak my mind.  I almost whipped the cover off and started feeding him out in the open, but nudity isn't my thing, even if it's incidental.  Plus, I don't want to make a scene and I still had a lot of shopping to do so getting kicked out wasn't really an option either. 

I'm surprised, in these days, where you can watch a TV program that shows scenes that are basically soft-core pornography at 9 pm on a weeknight - people were throwing me dirty looks for feeding my kid with my boob in public. Yeesh.

I'm also surprised that in all my years of frequenting said mall, even four years of working there, that I've seldom seen a mom breastfeeding her baby.  I've since been told that one of the stores might have one of those lounge areas, I will be checking that out another day.  You can be sure I'm going to write the mall a letter in the meantime!

So, I'm curious.  What are your thoughts on breastfeeding in public? Never? maybe? covered? uncovered? only in certain places? 

FYI, if you want to leave a comment and you don't use google whatever, you can leave it anonymously and just put your name, or not.  :)

Overwhelmed...

Sorry it's been so long since I've blogged, this mommy thing is pretty hard.  ;) (and I've tried to type with one hand but it takes too long and there are too many mistakes so I gave up)

The last 2 weeks of mommyhood have been so life changing, difficult, rewarding, and overwhelming.  I can't believe that we finally have this little person that we'd tried to hard to create here in our house.  I can't believe this little being depends on me for everything yet I don't have the slightest clue what I'm actually doing.  It's quite frightening - especially for someone who like to be prepared for everything - there definitely is no preparation for parenthood.

I love this little guy more than I can say, but I'm not going to pretend there haven't been moments in the past 2 weeks that I thought about returning him - just for 5 minutes.  I definitely think that I was experiencing some definite baby blues/borderline post-partum depression for the first few days.  I cried about everything, was abnormally anxious that I was going to do some serious long term damage to the little guy, and ready to give up on breastfeeding and cloth diapering.  I didn't think that I was cut out for mommyhood for a few days.  So I avoided this blog because I didn't want to sound like I wasn't happy about being a mom after whining about wanting to become a mom for so long.

But I will say it was harder than expected to make that transition and I'm glad that I'm on the other side of it all, for the most part, and I can at least be rational right now.  A few trips to church and some "outings" have definitely helped me get my mind back on track.  Mike has been an amazing help, too.  Making dinner, giving baths, telling me I'm doing a good job, changing diapers, cleaning up around the house.  He has really stepped up to the plate for the most part and I definitely appreciate that.  Family has been great too.  We didn't have to worry about dinner for over a week, people come by to help with anything we need every day.  I'm always amazed at how much people are willing to help.

Breastfeeding was a big challenge for me.  I was experiencing a lot of pain, just from his Hoover vacuum latch (the lactation consultant said that he was basically attacking me, but there was no way to really fix it because he was latching properly).  It is definitely a difficult adjustment to have to have your boob available at the sound of any wail - and to not really be able to be away from the baby because you are his food source.  I'm glad that we've stuck with it and now I've even had the chance to pump a little bit so we have a small stash for emergencies and what not.  It was fabulous to be able to get out and get my hair done this week!!

I've also started cloth diapering a little bit - just when we're home or I know that I'll be able to change him within 2 hours.  Still using sposies at night so that we can leave him sleeping for long stretches.  Right now I'm using the Kissaluv's fitteds and Thirstie's covers.  I tried my Softbums but his runny poo gets all over the cover after the first use so I go through a cover with each change.  The problem with the Kissaluv's is that they don't have a stay-dry fleece layer, so they get very wet against his skin.  Right now we haven't had any rash issues, but I think I'll probably cut some left-over fleece that I have an make a stay-dry layer insert.

Ezra has been the most perfect baby - even in the midst of a neurotic mother.  He sleeps for a good 4 to 5 hour stretch at night (knock on wood) and only has a few "I'm crying for no reason" stretches during the day.  He takes a pacifier, loves to be swaddled, and is even starting to look around and be more alert during the day.  He's absolutely perfect.

On more exciting news, we got our newborn photos back!  We went to Target portrait studios, which surpisingly was amazing.  The pictures look great and it was relatively inexpensive.  Here's a sampling: