I have 6 minutes before I leave for work,

so I thought I'd update my blog.  Completely normal, right?

This past weekend was incredibly emotional for me.  I don't know if it was because I spent most of it in class, or I had my cousin's wedding.  I was completely anxious, almost to the point of a panic attack, and  I just couldn't calm down.  It was nice to see family at the wedding, but my parents had spread the news of the miscarriage.  It was inevitable that people would want to talk to me about it, even though I knew I wasn't ready for that.  I only cried twice while I was there, both because people brought up the miscarriage to wish their condolences.  I never knew this could be sooooooooooo difficult.  

Also, I have an eye infection.  Great.  So I have to wear my glasses (that Tyson so lovingly chewed a few days ago) for over a week.  The eye doctor refused to give me an eye exam while I have an infection, which completely irritated me on Monday and added to my anxiety.  Hopefully I can get through the week with minimal discomfort, get a new pair next week, and start to feel better.

I am thoroughly impatient about waiting for my period.  We aren't supposed to be trying until after I get it, but I can't help feeling like we're wasting time.  I know that it is best for us and the phantom baby to wait, but it is so hard.  I'm hoping it will only be a few short weeks and that my beta is already below 0 (I have to call the dr. today to see what Monday's results were).

Off to work, hopefully today will go well :)

And the saga continues...

Just got back from my follow-up appointment.  The dr. wasn't great.  She basically told me again that "it looks like you've had a miscarriage."  REALLY????? Is that what's been going on for over a week!!!!!!  Thank you for clearing that up.  I have to go for 2 more blood tests to make sure that my BETA is returning to zero so I don't need a D&C.  On Monday, my beta was a 225, which is down by more than half which is a good sign.

I asked her if, since its been a year that we've been trying, if we should start going for test or anything.  Her response, "But you've conceived.  So there's no problem, you are considered normal.  Hopefully it won't take another year for the second."  WHAT!!!  I was completely not expecting her to say that, nor did I have the realization that it might take another year to get pregnant, again.  It just brought me back down to depressed, stressed, and anxious.  Thank you for that.  I guess its reality and I need to move on, but I feel like I'm back at the bottom of the hill, or down in the ditch at the bottom of the hill.

Needless to say, I will be looking for another OBGYN for when I do get pregnant, and possibly in a few more months to see if they will run some tests.  We had already decided to wait until at least January to start searching for more options and getting testing done, but now it just seems hopeless.  Can I really go through another year of all this?

Moving Forward

That last few days have been surreal. I'm beginning to come to terms with my loss. My tears don't come as frequently, and I am actually able to talk about that day, what happened, and what is going to happen moving forward. I know that the pain comes back in waves, full force, every so often, but I seem to be able to pull it together and make it through each day.

M and I have started to talk about what we are going to do moving forward. After my blood test on Monday, hopefully I won't need to go in for a D&C (where they dilate my cervix and remove any remaining "stuff" from my uterus, since there's no embryo/fetus it would mostly be lining) and I'll have a chance to talk with my doctor. Since I haven't actually spoken to my OB, I have been getting most of my "do-nots" from the world wide web. I'm hoping we'll get the go-ahead to start trying again right after my first period. M thinks we should continue taking a charting break and just use OPK's for a while. It seems to help keep everything fun and spontaneous, although I hope I can stay distracted during the 2ww.

I wasn't expecting to be back here, in this trying-to-conceive place, again for a while. M is having trouble coming to terms with everything. He doesn't want to really talk about it yet, and usually I am reassuring him that we do deserve a baby, and no, it isn't fair but we have to get through it and stay positive. It's hard for me to see him so unsure and distraught. I just hope that I can help him get through all of this with minimal damage.

On another note, we went to a much needed and deserved party last night for my BFF's birthday. It was nice to just hang around, talk, and laugh, and not think about it for a few hours. I did get a few side-eyes when I had a glass of wine, but M was great at quietly explaining the situation to people and asking them not to bring it up. I am beginning to feel like life is getting back to normal, which is totally a relief. And a little guitar-hero tournament always helps to make you feel better ;)

It's official

Anytime I've lived something difficult I always wonder what lesson I am supposed to learn, or how is this trial going to help me later in life. I have always lived believing that there is a reason for everything, and for some reason I have to live this hell. I hope that I know what that reason is soon and that I can turn this negative into a positive, somehow. I'm struggling.

I got the call from my doctor about 30 minutes ago (actually, I was harassing my doctor and called). My BETA is 561 right now but the ultrasound didn't show a gestational sac or fetal pole. They believe that I miscarried yesterday in the Ultrasound room right before my internal ultrasound. How ironic. I have to go back Monday morning to make sure that my numbers are decreasing and I don't need a D&C. I really hope I don't need a D&C.

I can't explain in words how difficult it is to know that our baby is gone. Although it's only been 2 1/2 weeks that I knew the baby was there, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and twisted in knots. I know that the baby is in a better place and this happened for a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've felt better today than yesterday, but I still cry at the drop of a hat. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, or to seeing all of our friends at a party on Saturday. I don't want to see all the sad faces of people feeling bad for us, or hear all their condolences. I don't know if I'll make it out of that alive.

I just hope that I can keep the pieces together and make it through the next few weeks. I hope that I hear that everything is ok and we can keep trying for another. I hope that I don't ever have to feel this pain again, and one day I can hold my beautiful little one and decide that it was all worth it. Right now, the last year of my life feels like a waste.

It's over.

Although I haven't heard official confirmation from my doctor, I went for an ultrasound and the tech could only find a large mass of uterine lining moving towards my cervix. Right before this, I had to empty my bladder and when I wiped, I found a small, purplish, hard clot. I knew at that moment that this was my baby.

I know I should be thankful that I was able to even get pregnant after over a year of trying. I know that I should be grateful for all of the wonderful things that I have in my life, healthy family, wonderful friends, and a great husband, but I'm so sad. I don't think I've ever felt this sad. I wish I knew why this happened, and, although I know that I probably never will, its difficult not to have "what ifs" and guilt.

I have never experienced as much pain as I felt to pass that clot. I had cold sweats, nausea, and I could barely get off the couch to drive to the radiology center. When I got there, the women who worked there put me in the back room because I was shaking and crying and in so much pain I could barely see straight. I was convinced this was an ectopic pregnancy, and I'm glad that I was wrong.

I don't know if I can say that I'm surprised, because I always knew there was a chance of miscarriage, but I convinced myself to have hope that this baby would stick. I can say that I'm sad for me and I'm not sure when I will be ready to start this process again. I just can't wait until the day that God decides we get to have a baby, and I'm trying to focus on the fact that that will happen some day and I just need to get through this tough time first.

Spotting

I started spotting yesterday afternoon during a particularly challenging parent meeting. It sux. Right now it's only pink spotting, but I had a little bit of darker spotting this morning. I called the doctor and she told me to put my feet up and call her back if it gets red or heavy. I'm also having cramping, which adds to the stress.

I'm freaking out. It is so hard to remain calm when you know what this could mean. I keep trying to tell myself that if things are going to turn out bad, there is nothing I can do to change it. I keep trying to think about all my friends who have had spotting during the 1st trimester and everything turned out fine. I cried in the shower this morning. I just don't know what this means.

I have been praying a lot, too. Not just for this baby to be safe but for the strength and calm to get through whatever this is. I just know that its going to be hard for me to concentrate today with my students. I would call out but we have contractually obligated Curriculum Night tonight (open house is a more common name for it) until 7:30 this evening. Fun.

I just hope that I don't have to call the doctor back...

5 weeks 1 day

I still can't believe that I'm actually pregnant. It's just unbelievable...

My dear husband can't seem to keep his mouth closed though, so now that our entire town knows about it I'm a little worried that something will happen. I'm trying to deal with those emotions without being irrational, but irrationality appears to be a symptom of pregnancy, lol.

Right now my symptoms include on and off cramping, a little nausea, fatigue (I take a nap every afternoon, just like my grandparents, lol), and some mood swings. There has only been one casualty of my mood swings though, poor M. As of today, my new symptom is vurping. I know you're all jealous.

I'm going to try and get M on board with the weekly belly pics, but right now he seems to think that's cheesy. We'll see about that...

+ Blood test!

Just got the results that my blood test was positive! My primary care wouldn't do a BETA because she is not an OB or a GYN, just internal medicine.

I also made my OB appointment for September 25, but I don't think that day can come fast enough! Hopefully, because I'm back to work the time will fly by.