CD1

I forgot how much the first day of my period sucks.  I had to leave work early because my cramps were so bad, and I threw up on the way home. Fun.

I am excited to start a new cycle, and there is always a possibility that this will be it.  It's exciting and heartbreaking all at once.  I am thrilled at the prospect that we did get pregnant once, so maybe it will just happen more quickly this time.  Who knows?

I also decided that I need to do something about this funk.  Most days I'm ok, but the last few I've been pretty miserable.  My aunt just posted a picture of me on facebook and I almost cried.  So, I've used my birthday money to sign up for the gym.  I have a personal training appointment on Thursday afternoon, and I want to start yoga.  There is a class tonight, and I'm trying to convince myself to go.  We'll see how I feel in a few hours, it is cd1 after all!  I'm hoping some exercise and possibly shedding some poundage will give me a more positive outlook on things (and let me fit comfortably in my cutest outfits, which we know is really the reason).  I'm about 2 sizes away from the plus size stores and that completely freaks me out.

I've also decided to try to look on the bright side, so here is my nauseating positivity post:

-I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, and 2 cute dogs

-I have a great job with amazing students and I love going there everyday (at least ththe first part is true, heehee)

-I will be a mother some day, that day isn't today, but I get closer to that goal each day

-I love exercising and can't wait to start going to the gym (I'm trying to convince myself) and yoga sounds thrilling

I don't know if I feel better, but I am going to try to look on the bright side and make an effort to do the right thing!  Here's to new beginnings...

Spotting

I started spotting on Friday, and I was expecting my period in full force, but I'm still spotting.  I feel like this whole m/c is much more of an annoying waiting game than TTC ever was.  (I know in a few months I will retract that statement, but for now I'm sticking with it :P)

I think I will start temping in the AM, also.  I'm itching to have a chart going, I'm just hoping it won't stress me out more.  If my period starts tomorrow, that will be 40 days since the m/c, which isn't too bad.  I am at least glad that I didn't have to wait the 2 months my doctor prepared me for.

Hopefully I'll get my new beginning tomorrow. :)

Happy Birthday to ME!

It was my 26th birthday yesterday.  M was the sweetest and set my present up in the morning before I went to work with a bouquet of pink roses.  He's the best!  Then family and friends came over for ice cream cake and snacks.  It was just so perfect!

So I feel like I'm finally moving on and I'm back to my old self a little more each day.  Sometimes I still cry and have moments of sadness but they are getting fewer and farther between.  Work is slowing down a little, but I'm aware that it's only a matter of time so to speak!

I'm excited for halloween and costume parties!  I love having something to look forward to.  Hopefully I can pull my costume together before it all starts.  I might have to post a picture when its all set...

Now I can move on

I am officially not pregnant anymore. My beta, as of Monday, was 2. I feel so relieved. I'm just hoping my period will be here soon and then I can really move on. So bittersweet...

Irrational Fears

I can say that I've never been one to have irrational fears.  I'm very black and white.  I have always had an understanding that I can't change the past, it is what it is, and I should move on.  Right now I'm stuck, and I can't believe I'm thinking some of the things I am thinking.  So I thought I'd share, just to get them out in the open.  I don't need anyone to say that "its normal to have these feelings" or to tell me how irrational some of them are, I just need to get them out.

1. I'm afraid to get pregnant again because I might have another miscarriage.  I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage.

2.  I'm afraid this "mourning" period will never end

3.  What if there is something about me that I don't know about that will prevent me from having children or being pregnant.  Can I keep trying if that is really what is going on?

4. I'm afraid to keep crying.  Am I normal? Am I having a break down?

5. I'm afraid that I won't be able to be happy for others who are having babies and celebrate with them.  I'm afraid I'll take out my pain on them

6. I'm afraid no one will want to be around me because I'm such a downer

7. I'm afraid all this stress is affecting my job performance

8. I'm afraid we don't deserve children

9. I'm afraid this will break up my marriage

10. I'm afraid of letting people know what is going on, even though they can tell I'm having a hard time.

I think 10 is enough.  *sigh* I feel a little better

Not sure what the title of this should be

So, it's been a roller coaster these last few days/weeks.  I am beginning to feel like I'm the only one in my life that remembers my m/c.  My friends are no longer asking me how I am, my family has already moved on, M tries not to bring it up, but I seem to be stuck.  No matter how much I want to move on, I still feel like I can't.  I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either.  It's a tough place to be.

It seems like everything in life makes me think of the baby.  Movies with the nephew, shopping for birthday presents, going out to eat, etc. etc.  I can't get away from maternity clothes, baby toys, cute kids, and always reminding myself that it isn't that time for me yet.  I think that might be the difficult part, that I don't know when it will be the time for us.  I hope its soon.

I'm having some irrational fears about trying again.  I don't know how excited I will be the next time I get a BFP.  I think I'll be petrified.  This loss has really shaken me in a way I didn't expect.  I keep trying to tell myself that if it happened once it will happen again, but I'm a little afraid that when it does happen again, I'll be such a nervous wreck it won't quite be the experience that it should be.

**sigh**

I am excited to say that being back at work helps.  Doing things help.  I'm trying to get back into crafting, which always passes the time in a productive way.  My mom and I are taking a knitting class next week which should be fun.  I'm trying to figure out how to improve my quilting skills and try some new things with my sewing machine.  I also know that I have classes coming up and I'm a little afraid that I will be too overwhelmed with all of that to keep the house in order and still find time for fun things for myself.

My birthday is also coming up.  26.  Nothing exciting about 26.  I've decided to forgo the usual big celebration and go for something smaller.  Working out the logistics seems impossible right now though.  I wanted to do a dinner party for our closest friends, but my BFF has her father's birthday celebration next weekend, there is a Pat's game on Sunday, and I have 2 surprise 30th birthday parties for 2 different people on 2 days.  Not to mention classes start back up in 2 weeks.  I'm hoping that we can still work something out for next Sunday.  I definitely need a fun project and party to put me in a better mood.