Things have been pretty good lately, at least I'm not bursting into tears or yelling at people for no reason anymore. I think I can say I've finally come to terms with the miscarriage, as much as I think I ever can. I decided to cancel my OBGYN appointment. I don't think I'm ready for a "plan." I've decided that even if the doctor suggested medicated cycles, I wouldn't be ready to do that, so what reason do I have to go for testing just yet. I think the stress of that upcoming appointment was driving me a little crazy, and now I feel somewhat more relaxed about it all, for now.
M feels differently. I think he'd have a leg removed to have a biological child (if that guaranteed us 100% to have a baby, I would have no problem signing the consent papers). I just can't see spending tons of money on meds and procedures that will not give us definitively the result that we want. And I think now I have an understanding that pregnancy =/= baby, which is also scary.
There seems to be a rash of BFP's on a message board that a frequent. All very deserving ladies, I might add. It is so exciting to see that happen for them, but I can't help feeling bad for me, too. I wish I could stop those emotions, it seems like such a detriment to everything we're trying to accomplish. I'm just hoping someday, we'll be at the end of this journey, and it will be all worth it because we ended up with what we wanted. I can only hope.
On another note, My mother just went in the hospital for a double hip replacement this week. It's so hard to see her unable to walk and in pain. She'll be moving to a rehab facility for 10 days today. It will be nice to get away from all the IV's and sick/crazy people you encounter at the hospital. Her spirits seem to be up and she's definitely trying to do as much as she can. She is sitting up and walking to the bathroom with just a little help from a walker. It's amazing to see how strong she is. I'm so proud of her. And now I have a bionic mom, pretty cool. ;)
