6 weeks 4 days

If I guestimate from when I got my positive test (because this is the one month in a year and a half that I didn't keep track of the exact day my period started), I'm about 6 weeks 4 days today. That is the same day that I had my miscarriage last time. Yikes.

I can't completely understand why this is such a huge milestone for me, but it is. I'm still having morning sickness (or all day sickness really) and a list of other symptoms that I won't get into, which I keep trying to remind myself is a good thing. I know there is no guarantee that if everything goes well today everything will go well for 9 months, but I feel like its a good sign. And I'm going to take whatever good signs I can get right now.

So, I said a prayer for my first cherub this morning, and then for this little one. Apparently it's about the size of a pea, how cute! Only 9 more days until we get to see him/her for the first time...

Things that I've learned

-Don't eat Oreo's for breakfast, you will get sick

-Chinese food = delicious, Chinese food + Chocolate cookies = ill

-I would rather have diarrhea any day, than be this constipated. M even said he saw a baby bump yesterday, and I had to tell him "no, I'm just backed up." Very Sexy.

-The normal "this is so important" feeling, is now usually about something not so important, like what brand of soup M bought me. I must relax.

-Nap time is wonderful, but what the H am I going to to when I am back to work next week!! I'm setting myself up for a cranky week.

-Sports bras are the 2nd best invention ever

-Bella bands are the best invention ever. Who'da thought, I can wear my skinny pants unbuttoned when I'm so bloated!!

Today is a good day. I'm so excited, positive and hopeful.

I called the doctor and asked about my first appointment earlier this week. I respectfully explained to the receptionist that I'm a complete wreck and there is no way that I can wait until March 22 to see this baby for the first time. I definitely need confirmation before then. She moved my first appointment up to March 4th!!! I meet with the NP on the 1st and then the doctor on the 4th!! I'm so excited. Only 2 weeks to go. I think that really put my mind at ease with everything.

Hopefully we see a flicker of a heartbeat and then we can start telling family and close friends. I feel like I'm living a lie with this secret. I had lunch with my mom yesterday and it took everything out of me not to blurt it out in the restaurant!!

So 14 days and counting...

The Waiting Room

That's where I feel like I am right now, without the crappy magazines, mind you. A holding cell of sorts. Not sure if it'll be good news or bad when we finally get to go to the doctor's. Will we be having the last supper or a celebratory dinner?

It's hard not to think about every little twinge or feeling or emotion, and think "maybe this is a good sign? or is it a bad sign?" I didn't realize how nerve wracking these first few weeks are going to be now that we've experienced one loss. Sometimes I think I even forget that I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to even be having this feeling, but it's weird not to associate a positive pregnancy test with a baby in 9 months. I'm on the emotional defensive. My brain isn't capable of feeling anything close to certainty right now. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself to breathe and that we can't do anything to change what we will see on March 1st. I'm hoping it's a little flea with a flicker of a heartbeat.

M is much less emotional about it all. Quite frankly, he doesn't want to talk about it. He keeps saying he's afraid to get too attached or too excited and then have his heart ripped out again. I totally get it, but I wish we didn't have all these worries. I wish we had a guarantee.

Not to mention time is moving at a snail pace right now. It feels like it's been a month and it's only been a week. 14 days seems too far away.

I'm trying to stay positive. I keep thanking God that today I'm pregnant, and I feel great, but must say 500 "please let this be it" prayers. I'm trying to believe that this will all work out the way it is "supposed" to, I'm just praying every day that this is "supposed" to be our chance to be parents!

Today is just one of those days

I think I've lost all self-control.

I know that I haven't been "charting" at all. I haven't touched an OPK or a BBT in months. I don't check my CM or CP. I just notice when my period starts and then starts again to estimate what my next cycle might be like. Many of my fellow "bumpies" would be appalled at how much I suck at TTC, but since the miscarriage, it has been easier for me to have 3 non-stressed weeks and 1 completely freaking out week, then a day of sadness, then I move on. I even canceled my OBGYN appointment to get further testing done. Sometimes my logic doesn't make sense to even me.

So today I had class. I felt not great. I knew that today was cd28, so AF was impending and I figured it was my body reacting to the witch's arrival. When I came home from class, I had a weird sharp pain on my right side, right where my ovary supposedly is. So I checked my CM, watery. So I figured, cd 28 and I'm ovulating. Why me? I was surprised but after a year and a half of all this craziness, I knew I shouldn't be surprised at all.

So I took an OPK, on a whim. Completely, utterly, positive. The most positive I've ever seen. At this point, I'm thinking, "when will Mike's friend's leave so we can take advantage of this moment?" How perfect that I just had a feeling, acted on a whim, and I caught my surge. This definitely improves our chances!

Then my mind crept back to the OPK as HPT theory. (see peeonastick.com) Dammit. Why can I not control myself? I know this will be a total let down, and I shouldn't even be thinking that this OPK could possibly mean that I'm knocked up. Again, it's amazing how little I can control myself when it comes to all of this getting pregnant stuff.

So I get back in my car and drive to CVS. Pick up HPT's (3 HPT's, mind you), drive back home and decide to get in the shower and see if I want to take one after my shower. Showers always clear my head. Let me just see how long the test takes, if it's quick, I'll do it now, if not I'll wait. 3 minutes, I guess I have time now.

So I squeeze out the teeniest amount of pee into my handy-dandy pee cup, dip the test and watch my urine fly across the test window. Then I see the control line come up, nothing in the test line. So I put the test in the bedroom and walked away, trying not to cry. About 4 1/2 seconds later I walk back over, it's like a car crash, I just couldn't stop watching.

And there it is, the most beautiful little pink test line. Holy SHIT!! It's positive!! I'm pregnant!!!! I can't even believe this right now, it's just so amazing.

So, here's to round two (::raises my non-alcoholic drink::) and being cautiously optimistic. I can't believe I'm getting back on this ride!!!!