Monday, December 21, 2009
Wise Words and Apologies
Usually I'm a Christmas Freak. I love decorating, lights, shopping, wrapping presents, singing, the whole nine yards. This part time job is kicking my proverbial ass. I'm tired, bitchy, and never home. Its the week OF Christmas and we still only have lights on the tree. Classic.
My mom said the saddest thing ever to me on the phone today, too. I guess she told my Memere (grandmother for those of you who are not French-Canadian) that I had a miscarriage. She had lost twins after my dad and his sister were born and she said that even though she knew that she couldn't have provided for the babies and that it really was the best thing that she lost them, her heart still ached. There is no convincing your heart. So true.
On another note, apparently I have been a raging bitch every where else in my life. I'm embarrassed to admit that it is true. I am mad at the world, and I can't get away from it. I haven't had much fun in a while, and I can't say that it isn't my fault. Although I've been working a lot, I haven't made anytime for the things that make me happy - exercise (no, I'm not lying), crafting, and hanging out with friends. Not only that, my friends are now avoiding my bitchtastic self.
Although I've been a raging lunatic, I can honestly say that my closest of friends has been anything but supportive. She has never asked me how things are going after all of this, and actually changes the subject if I bring it up. She has said the detested "you know they didn't mean it that way" to me at least 3 times. She blatantly avoids seeing me, and, this weekend for example, would rather watch a movie than hang out with me on my only night off in over a month. Now, I don't expect her to drop everything just for me (well maybe a little) but I am a little hurt that she didn't even sound disappointed or attempt to make other plans. While I know I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now, shouldn't your best friend love you unconditionally?
I keep trying to tell myself that I have a reason to be this way, but I really don't. Things can always be worse. I just have to figure out a way to claw back up to the surface and most likely apologize to a few people...