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Sunday, August 30, 2009

Crazy weekend

It's amazing how much your life can change in one instant. I woke up Saturday morning having an internal conflict about testing. I knew I had 2 internet cheapies in my "bag" and I couldn't decide if I wanted to test or not. I thought, "it would be good to just confirm negative, but why do you have to test if you know it will be negative?" Because I didn't chart this cycle I have no proof of good timing, or ovulation at all, so why did I need to torture myself?

Eventually I decided just to take a test, it was there, and then I would be able to move past the BFN and not wonder for the next few days, if AF didn't show. I peed in a cup and dipped the stick. I had a hard time walking away from the test once I took it so I sat there and watched. Nothing. So I got up and went back to bed for 2 minutes and went back to check the test (within the 5 minute time limit). I swear there was the faintest of faint lines. I asked M if he saw it and he said he did.

I threw on some clothes and drove to CVS. I cried the whole way there. Could it really be positive? It can't be. I'm imagining things and I shouldn't get my hopes up. For over a year I always thought "this is the cycle" and then was completely disappointed when it wasn't. So I was preparing myself for the worst. I bought 2 boxes of HPT's; digitals and First Response Early Response. Just to be sure.

When I got home, I dipped the digital into the cup, and less than one minute later this is what came up:
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I couldn't believe it. M jumped on me when I showed it to him and I cried, and cried, and cried. You know God must have a sense of humor. I can't believe it, I'm actually knocked up!!!!!!

We decided to tell our parents right away. M's dad was excited, his mom jumped up and down and hugged us and cried. It took her a few minutes to figure out what we were talking about when we told her that our niece and nephew might have a new cousin on the way. My mom and dad cried and hugged me when I showed them the picture of the positive test. My mom couldn't believe that after all my worrying that I didn't need to worry at all. I was already pregnant.

Needless to say, I'm canceling my appointment with the RE for Friday and hopefully I can get in tomorrow for a BETA just to confirm. As the ladies from the bump reminded me, Disney really is a magical place!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Next steps...

So, I came home from vacation with a sinus infection and was put on penicillin. Apparently, I'm allergic to penicillin and had to make another trip to the doctor this morning. Fortunately, I was able to see my actual doctor and after she checked out my hives, we were able to talk about the baby-making situation.

She gave me the go ahead and said she would send a referral if necessary to begin seeing a specialist. She recommended the Infertility Clinic at Women and Infants Hospital. I decided to make an appointment, the first available. I will be going in next Friday to see my new doctor.

This is a bittersweet moment for me. I am excited to see what the next steps are but sad that I have to even take this step. I'm coming to the end of this (mystery) cycle, and I think I will be testing this weekend if AF holds off. Hopefully I will be able to call them and cancel on Monday, but I won't be holding my breath.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Back in town with a new attitude!

Just got back from our trip to Disney (if we can't have a kid, why not be a kid, right?) and I feel completely renewed. We got to eat whatever we wanted, got lots of walking exercise, and got to relax and spend time together. It was great! (I forgot how much more fun non-baby-making sex is, ::giggles::)

We also had time to discuss what we think will be happening in our future. It has been difficult for me to get my mind off of TTC; any thoughts that I had were entirely negative. It was nice just to say it out loud to the hubs and for him to be able to respond. We talked about what we would do once we get to the doctors, how soon we would think of alternate treatments, how much money we would consider spending, and how we feel about it all. We also tried to come up with as many smart-@ss responses to the "when will you have kids" questions as we could. At least now when people ask, I'll have a reason to smile!

We haven't made any definite decisions but it is nice to know that we are on the same page, and the pressure is off until October 1st when I go to the doctor. We are both still young and have plenty of time. There is no reason to rush, which is an entirely new feeling for me. I felt like we were running out of time, but we really aren't. Hell, Celine Dion is over 40 and knocked up, that gives us a good 15 years! (hopefully, we don't need it, :P)

I think the hubs is starting to hit a wall, though. He keeps saying how unfair it is for everyone else to get pregnant quickly but when we waited to get our lives in order, now that we are ready, we're having issues. He is starting to realize how difficult it can be to be happy for others but sad for yourself and how hard it is not to think "Why are we being punished!" It's funny to hear him describe all of the emotions that I have been trying to explain for the last few months and it is even more essential for me to be the ray of sunshine. If we're both depressed, we're doomed.

I actually feel relieved. Like I can breath and not live life by CDwhatever, OPK's and cervical mucus... at least for right now.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Hello cycle 11

Ug. My period starts today. This is the start of cycle 11 of trying to have a baby. It is so depressing. We really gave it our best shot this cycle, sexcapade and all. Oh well.

We are discussing taking a trip these next few weeks. Possibly Cedar Point, the Keys, or Disney. We can't decide. I do think we need to celebrate the start of cycle 11, so that I don't feel completely depressed and hopeless.

I am trying to make a dr's appointment for M. Hopefully we can get an SA (semen analysis) to see if it is a quick fix before I can go to the dr. in September. I just feel like it might never happen. I'm having a difficult time with that thought. Will we think of paying for IUI or IVF or just go to adoption. Lots of questions with few answers.

Hopefully a trip will help take our minds off of this. Maybe a charting break is in order??