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Monday, November 30, 2009

"They didn't mean it that way"

If one more person says that to me, I might punch them.

Do you really think that I'm that stupid that I didn't know that what they said wasn't intended to hurt my feelings? Do you think I'm looking to get upset every time someone mentions something baby related?

I can't believe that all the people in my life that I love so much, can't see how even when the intentions are innocent it still hurts like a b*tch. I understand my misfortune has nothing to do with others' fortune, but it still sucks. If someone's dog just died would you go around them and complain about how much of a pain in the ass your dog is? I think not. Most people would call you insensitive.

I don't know when it will be "my turn" so stop asking. I know that it is exciting to feel your baby move for the first time, and you should be excited, but it still makes me want to cry to hear about it. Am I not allowed to say that to a friend just to vent? I know that your baby bump isn't there just to make me feel bad, and it is more than uncomfortable to be pregnant, but I don't want to hear about it. Does that make me a bad person? I know that it isn't easy to have a baby before you are married. Should I feel bad for you even though you don't realize the miracle that you have?

I'm so sick of feeling this way. But I'm also sick of people not understanding, or trying to understand. I didn't think I'd still be upset two and a half months later, but I am, and I don't think that I should have to feel like that is wrong.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

And the week gets better...

I volunteered to make a cheesecake for Thanksgiving with my family. I decided that, since I was working 2 jobs and yesterday was M's birthday, I would make it today because I don't have to work until 3.

I went to the store, picked up what I needed, came home and started cooking. Pre-heat the oven for 325. After about 10 minutes the house smells terrible. I open the oven and a big cloud of smoke comes out. I hadn't put anything in yet.

Apparently, my husband sprayed oven cleaner in the oven 2 days ago and never wiped it out. I almost burned the house down. Great.

Now I have no cheesecake, 30 minutes, and a completely ruined oven. I hope we don't need a new one....

Happy Thanksgiving - FAIL

Monday, November 23, 2009



Will someone please let me off this terrible ride??

How NOT to make yourself less obssessive and crazy

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets excited this is NOT a pregnancy test!

So, the other day, I decided to test the "OPK as HPT" theory found here because I have a plethora of OPK's and I'm too cheap and busy to go out and buy some HPT's.

This is what I got this morning:

Almost positive. The test line is on the left and the control line is on the right. An OPK is positive when the test line (or part of it) is as dark or darker than the control line. I have never gotten a more positive OPK, even when I was using them correctly. (Disclaimer: I have seen them more positive in photos, my my tests are consistently "almost" positive when I'm about to ovulate, and get lighter from this point)

So now I'm completely freaking out. I dumped out my pee so I will have to wait until tomorrow morning, unless I can make it to a CVS before working tonight. I don't really want to buy HPT's at my new Target job, but I might not be able to resist. Tomorrow is DH's birthday, wouldn't it be fun to wrap up a positive and give it to him!!!!

Again, I'll keep you all posted....

Sunday, November 22, 2009

What to do, what to do

So, I'm either 11 or 14 dpo. I decided not to chart this cycle, because I didn't want to be an obsessive crazy person, but now I'm an obsessive crazy person.

My instincts say, not pregnant, but I still have some phantom symptoms. I woke up today a little nauseous (but I ate mac and cheese at 10 last night), I'm exhausted (but I started working part time this week), overly emotional (but my pregnant cousin is up from Florida for Thanksgiving and we are having her shower at my house this Saturday), and funny cramps (which could be gas, or anything really). Can you tell that TTC has left me full of doubt???

I am contemplating when, or if, to test. I want to test right now, but I don't want to see a BFN. It's M's birthday on Tuesday and I don't want to give him a BFN for his birthday, but a BFP would be awesome. I don't want to test too close to Thanksgiving or the shower, but I also don't want to be worrying at those times either. I must've been crazy when I offered to host the shower. I wasn't planning on it lining up with a testing/AF week. Life can be entirely cruel at times.

I hate this cycle, with a passion.

So, I'm not sure if I should pick up tests or not. I feel like a crazy person. I will keep you all posted for sure.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


So apparently, I suck at blogging. Well, at least right now I do, lol.

Right now there isn't anything exciting going on in life. I think I ovulated or am ovulating right now. I skipped OPK's and temping this cycle and just decided to go with it and make it fun. It seems to be working ;). I'm hoping in just about 2 weeks I will be able to keep AF away for at least 9 months. Eh, we'll see.

Otherwise it seems like everyone is life, who isn't married, is getting pregnant. I know that it's something I need to deal with, but it does get very frustrating. M keeps saying how we did everything "right" and we're still going through all of this while all these people just get pregnant by accident or after 2 tries. I know how he's feeling, I just am afraid to let myself feel that way because I've been in that dark hole before and I don't want to go back. Not fun.

I'm trying to keep on a happy face, but it's hard sometimes. My friends don't completely understand how difficult a miscarriage is, which is understandable as none of them have had one. I think sometimes they are surprised when things they say upset me. For example, we found out someone we know who is engaged is pregnant and my friend proceeded to try to convince me how much that would suck. I can deal with the pregnancy news but I cannot be convinced that that would suck. Then when I told him that he was being completely insensitive, he went on about how he didn't mean it that way and he can't believe I'm upset. Gotta love it.

On a more positive note, I'm thoroughly excited that Thanksgiving is here soon. Next Wednesday we get to go see the Trans Siberian Orchestra, which I can't wait for. I've never been. My brother got that for Christmas for my parents, M, and me. I just went to Christmas Tree Shops to buy Christmas dishes for Christmas dinner. I'm excited to be able to use them. I also bought Christmas cards, some disposable plates, and a small christmas tree with little ornaments that I'm going to send to M's cousin in Iraq.

Also, I've started to send my lazy ass to the gym. I've been doing yoga twice a week, which I love, and I've been trying to go at least 3 other times to run on the treadmill and do some weights. Sometimes it's hard to find motivation, but right now I'm enjoying it. I'm also in the process of getting a part time job at Target. In the photo lab. I think it will be fun, but I will definitely be busy!

I do love the holiday season. Can't wait to get a Christmas tree and start decorating after Thanksgiving! Here's a fun picture of our tree from last year. Happy Holidays!