Family Vacation

So this summer, finances are a little tight, so we decided to take a few small trips instead of a big family trip.  During August we spent a week camping near the beaches in Rhode Island.  Minus the rainy first part of the week, we really had a great time!

When I say camping, I don't mean camping.  Mike and his mother have a pull behind camper with all of the basic amenities, bathroom, beds, stove, fridge, etc.  I don't know that would be brave enough to camp in a tent without a pregnant belly and a 10 month old - nevermind with them.

We got to spend a lot of time at the beach, which is one of my favorite things to do.  Mike and I pretty much got a system down for dragging everything from the car to the sand, setting up, and then taking it all down.

Ezra loves the beach, too.  He might have eaten enough sand to fill a sand box but it was fun to watch him roll around and dig, or chase the seagulls, or watching the boats.  He liked playing in the waves and knocking down sand castles.  He didn't seem to mind wearing his hat, getting sand in his diaper, or being knocked over by a surprise wave.  This kid really is easy going.

As I mentioned in this post  I attempted to take a bike ride.  Mike's dad has a child seat on the back of his bike that we borrowed and Ezra loved it.  Mommy and baby Violet did not enjoy the bike ride quite as much.  We enjoyed reading or relaxing while they went for rides.

Of course we went with the Harley Davidson helmet

Sometimes he even fell asleep!

I really enjoyed sitting by the campfire with Mike after Ezra went to sleep and reading my new Kindle (love my kindle!).  Or going out for ice cream or clam cakes (or both, lets be honest, I am pregnant).  The heat definitely kicked my butt a little bit and caused my nausea to kick in.  It was hard to stay cool when we were spending so much time outside.  Much different from last summer when I was pregnant with Ezra.

Here are some of my favorite beach photos!

Crazy eyes

 

 

Crawling in the water

 

playing in the sand

Covered in sand

Whew, that was a long walk!

Mommy and Ezra

Ezra: 10 months

I can hardly believe he's 10 months old! Yikes, time does fly :)

From his 9 month appointment:
Weight: 20 lbs. 14 oz
Height: 28 3/4"

Head Circumference:18"

He was in the 60th percentile for all.  Completely proportionate and average.  I like it.


Eats: Eating should go under likes.  He likes to eat.  And he's not to picky.  We've switched to finger foods almost exclusively, however, we still do some purees and cereal when I feel like I need a little more control over his nutrition.

He loves mandarin oranges, apple pieces, strawberries, bananas, peeled grapes, carrots, potatoes (mostly french fried), chicken nuggets (not chicken fingers, something with the batter is not his favorite), pasta, mac and cheese, raviolis, pizza, steak, sausage, bacon, eggs, waffles, and whatever it is that YOU'RE eating.  Because everything is more delicious when it's on someone else's plate.

He will try anything and doesn't often make the "bleck" face.  Although when he does it is priceless.

We're still sticking with 3 6oz bottles a day; morning, afternoon, and before bed.  The dr gave us the go ahead to start introducing milk.  We have two jumbo containers of formula left in the closet from my last shopping binge and I think if those get us through the next month, we'll start the transition then. 

Sleeps: Sleeping is going pretty well.  He will still wake up in the middle of the night on occasion but really it's not that often. 

We've started sleep training and it's going ok.  It's a little heartbreaking to sit at the bottom of the stairs while he screams but he calms right down when I walk in the room.  He's still working out that I'm not going to stay with him the entire time he needs to fall asleep, but we're getting there.  The minute of back rubbing and shooshing really helps every 5 minutes or so.  That Ferber really was a smart guy.

Napping is another story.  He fights naps.  Like, physically fights (punches, kicks, pinches, bites, wiggles) away from naps.  He used to love to rock but I need one of those full body padded suits to rock him now.  He still loves singing and music which seems to be what puts him to sleep every time.  He's getting a bit of a schedule, too, which is nice.  Hopefully work doesn't throw a wrench into it.

Likes: 
He likes to watch people.  We brought him to the aquarium and he was more interested in what the kids around him were doing than the giant jelly fish or glowing eel that was in the case in front of him.  I'm not sure if he's going to turn out to be the nosy gossiper or the quiet guy in the corner or an expert on human behavior.  We'll have to wait and see.

The beach.  This kid loves the sand and the water and the birds and the people.  I'll have another post devoted to our recent week at the beach, but seriously he just loves the beach.  It's great.  I'm sad summer is almost over.

Climbing his is favorite.  He has recently figured out how to climb all the way up the stairs (with supervision), the outside of the stairs where the banisters are, onto the couch, and on top of the baseboards to look out the windows.  We're going to find him on top of the TV one day, I swear.

Stuffed animals.  Right now Penny the Penguin is his favorite at the moment.  Whenever he sees one he squeezes it and hugs it.  It's so cute.  He also likes to point out noses, eyes, and ears on his stuffed animals.  

Dislikes:
Sitting still.  He is the wiggliest kid I've ever met.  Up down hold me don't hold me push the chair sit on the floor crawl take out the pots and pans chase the dog with it's toy climb up the stairs try and eat something inedible.  It's incredible.  He's always in motion.  Try to get him to sit in a bumbo while you eat dinner.  You'll get about 10 minutes before he's doing the back bend and trying to rip the tray off of it.

He has also mastered the wiggle-out-of-mommy's-grip.  He can pretty much figure out a way to make it nearly impossible for me to continue holding him if he wants to get on the floor and crawl.  Even if it's a public bathroom floor or somewhere else equally as disgusting.  My growing belly doesn't help either.

When the dogs bark.  It never used to phase him.  I can remember when he was first born and he would be sleeping in the bassinet in the living room and the dogs would literally jump over the bassinet and start barking and he wouldn't even flinch.  Now he cries and clings to me like I have any control over their barking (bad owner, I know).  And they bark at the dust bunnies that blow around my living room.  It's always an adventure over here.

He still has some separation anxiety when he's away from someone interesting or somewhat familiar. 


Milestones: 
He's pulling up on everything, even walls, and can walk along the couch or walk while pushing something.  He can get standing on his own for about 3 seconds.  I think crawling is still much faster so he prefers to crawl and he has knees of steel.  People always comment on how fast he is.

EIGHT teeth.  Yes eight.  He went from 3 to 8 in 2 months.  Crazy. But he's also a biter so 8 teeth isn't really good news.  We're working on that.

First real words.  Dada, dowdy (doggy), baba (bottle), ayo (hello, with your hand to your ear like you're on the phone), do (nose, when poking mommy in the nose)

Things I want to remember about this age:
Your babbles.  I love all the sounds you make and it really sounds like you're trying to have a conversation.  I wish I knew what you were saying! 

The point.  I love when you point at things.  You want to know what everything is and you notice so many things.  Birds at the beach, kids playing, the lights, whatever.  I love to see that you are such a part of your world and I know it's only a matter of time before you start talking about everything you see.

Your little dance.  Anytime you hear a song you like you bob up and down to the tune (and usually on the beat I might add) and it's one of my favorite things.  You really love music and I love that!

Here are some 9 and 10 month photos for your viewing pleasure:

How stinkin cute is that tush!

First hair cut at 9 months!

Look at all those teeth!

Ezra loves feeding the dogs!

"What are those crazy birds doing?"

Tired after a long day

 

 

10 months old!

8 Month Update

Weight:20 lbs. 8 oz
Height: 
Head Circumference: 


Eats: He's definitely an eater.  We've moved up to finger foods and some purees.  He likes watermelon, oranges, cherios, little pieces of chicken, Mike's cooked carrots, french fries, pieces of bread and he still eats little specks of dust/paper/inedible nonsense from the floor.  I do think he prefers whatever he can scrounge for himself, maybe he'll be a hunter?

Unfortunately Mom doesn't always have the patience for finger food eating and takes the easy way out and feeds him about halfway through.  I'm sure that this is something I can work through ;) His pinchers still aren't quite efficient, but I am brave enough to let him try pretty much whatever we're eating.  He doesn't seem to picky...yet.

He also loves lemonade.  We mix a little with water (like 1 part lemonade to 3 parts water) and it's just about the only thing he'll drink other than formula.  We like Simply Lemonade, it's delicious, and Ezra loves it too.

Sleeps: Sleeping is going a little awry.  Little boy likes to be rocked to sleep, but now it's nearly impossible to put him in the crib, open and close the door, and creep out of the room without making a single solitary sound which means he'll immediately sit up and start crying.  Seriously, this should be part of spy training.  Can you get out of the room without waking the baby??  I can't.

We've resorted to putting him in bed with us a couple times just so that I can retain what small part of my sanity I have left at 2:30 in the morning (I know, bad mommy).  I would like to try sleep training, where you put the baby down and then just come in the room and pat his back for a minute or so every 5 minutes until he figures out how to put himself to sleep.  I just don't have the cajones quite yet.  I've heard amazing things about sleep training, I'm just a big ball of "I give up" around bed time.

Likes: He is still the nosiest person I know. I'm not quite sure where he gets that from...

His ears definitely work and he whips his head around at the slightest interesting sound to see what is going on.  He also must investigate anything out of the ordinary that he may see or hear around - "is that a remote on the floor? I wonder what it tastes like" "Did the mail man just show up? I should try and poke my head over the edge of the couch to look out the window without falling on my head" He is definitely fearless.

Climbing over people and things and up stairs.  I can't keep him away from the stairs (and the dog food, see photos below).  We finally put up a gate at the bottom of the stairs to keep him from climbing up them.  He also like to overturn his toy buckets and climb over the toys to get inside, he likes to use Mommy (and his future brother or sister) as a jungle gym.  His elbows, knees, and toes are bruise inflicting.  He is still quite determined to get where he wants to go regardless of what might possibly be in the way.

Dislikes: Being away from Mom, Dad, or some other adult that he recognizes.  He's starting to go through a little bit of separation anxiety, which is giving me anxiety.  I'm most definitely not a clingy person, I love a good cuddle here and there but I definitely need my "personal space."  I like to walk away while he's playing and go get the laundry, or a snack, or pee.  No sooner that I walk away do it hear the little slap, bump, slap, bump of Ezra crawling behind me and the tears when I go out of sight.  I'm hoping it's just a phase, because I don't do well with letting him cry.

Milestones: 
He can crawl - quickly.  He roams around the house and finds all kinds of interesting artifacts that I didn't know existed, which he quickly tries to eat in some way.  We are definitely in need of some more baby proofing...

Beginning stair climbing.  I'm not sure if this is a milestone but it scared the crap out of me.  He figured out how to get up 4 of our stairs the other day - gate is not firmly in place!

Pulling himself up to standing.  He can pull himself up on just about anything that he can reach.  He's still quite wobbly and needs to hang on to stay up.  He also isn't quite aware that moving his feet will also move his body, and will usually fall on the floor and crawl to whatever he's eying. 

Third tooth - on the bottom.  Still no top teeth for this bulldog. 

Things I want to remember about this age:
Your scrunched up smile.  Your little nose gets all scrunched and your eyes squinty and you smile the biggest 3 tooth smile I've ever seen.  It melts my heart.

How funny you think everything is.  Like biting mommy's big toe, or yaking on daddy's bottom lip, or chasing your dogs' tails or spitting carrots all over the kitchen.  It's like everything is so new and exciting.  I hope you cherish that for a long time, too.

How fearless you are.  I mean 4 stairs! That's like twice your height but you weren't one bit scared.  I'm hoping you learn to fear a little bit when you start riding motorized vehicles or deciding to do other daring things, but it amazes me how unafraid you are. 

Here are some 8 month photos for your viewing pleasure:

First family trip to story land! I'm trying to hold on and fly in a wooden shoe... multitasking

And we couldn't stay away from Bike Week in Laconia while in NH

Mowing the lawn with daddy, strapped in of course!

The newest face - now we get a lot of "oooooo" sounds

Look at me!

Floating in the pool

Wild and crazy guy!

First Cheerios!

7 Month Update

Weight: somewhere between 19 and 20 pounds
Height: 26 1/4" (at his last appointment)
Head Circumference: 

Sorry for the Blog hiatus.  My page wouldn't load properly for some reason for over a month so I was unable to update.   ::Frowny face::


Eats: Ezra loves to eat.  He loves all the stage 2 mixes, (except peas, green beans, and peaches) and he even likes them warmed up a little in the microwave.  He eats 2 meals a day which is usually about 2 tablespoons of cereal and 4 oz of a fruit or veggie.  I don't quite have the stomach to try the meats yet.  We've given him little pieces of chicken and he seems to like that.

Also, those Gerber puffs seems to be his new BFF.  It is the cutest thing to watch him try and pick them up and get them to his mouth.  They'll keep him occupied for a good 10 minutes though.   Enough time to do lots of things in mommy world

Sleeps: Amazing.

He usually goes down around 7:30 - 8:30 and sleeps until 6:30.

He is having trouble napping during the day however.  I feel bad for my sister in law who seems to only get a good 10 minutes or so of sleeping from him during the day.  Not sure if there's too much to pay attention to or if it's just because he's not in the comfort of his own home.

Likes: Watching people.  He is the nosiest person I know.  He watches everyone and if he's almost sleeping and someone makes a peep, his head shoots up and he looks around to see where it came from.  This child definitely can hear.

Swimming.  We've started a swim "class" at the Boys and Girls club on Saturday mornings.  I call it a "class" because really what can you teach a 7 month old about swimming?  Instinctually, he kicks and splashes his hands all around the pool.  He LOVES it.  And he loves watching the other little kids and going after all the little floating toys.  We're excited to get him in the pool at home soon!

He also loves to eat watermelon in his mesh feeder.  The mesh feeder is a little bag that you stuff squishy food in so that he can gum it and eat it but not choke.  He goes to town with watermelon.  He is usually quite sticky at the end of it but it's cute to watch.

Dislikes: His car seat is still by far his least favorite place on the planet.  It's a battle ev.er.y.time he has to go in it.  He does this "bridge" thing where he arches his back and uses his feet and his head to stick his belly out.  It's cute (the first 26 times) but he is STRONG.  I often feel bad for poking him in the belly or physically bending him in half to get him in the seat.  You would think he would be used to it by now!

Milestones: He's got the army crawl down pat.  He can get from one side of the room to the other very quickly if there's something that he wants (i.e speck of inedible paper, dust bunny, dog toy, or anything else that should not go in his mouth).  I'm not sure he's every going to crawl with his belly off the floor but he is very quick already.  He also likes to stand his legs up and do the downward facing dog pose like he's just going to stand up and walk one day.  Again, he's so strong.

He gets himself sitting up and back down to the floor all by himself.  He will even catch himself if he's losing his balance.  There are still a few head smashes to the floor but we're getting there.


His pincher grasp is coming along.  Put a speck of something on the carpet and he'll go for it from across the room and use his little fingers to get it to his mouth.  Very quickly. He's also starting some finger foods.

Things I want to remember about this age:
All of your babbles.  You say the cutest things without saying anything at all!

How determined you are.  You will definitely go for whatever you want, I'm hoping this carries through to adulthood.

The way you look at things.  Like everything is new.  Your surprised face is the best.  I've never seen such big blue eyes.

Here are some 7 month photos for your viewing pleasure:

"What do you mean a bunny came in the house and left me this?"

What a handsome boy

A boy's best friends

Mom, put the darn camera away

Did you see that!!

The yoga pose

Hospitals are no fun

I'm sure most of you know that hospitals are no fun, but I didn't realize how much worse it is when your infant son is the patient.

In the last year we have had 6 hospitals stays.  YES 6!

1. My first birth, a kidney stone
2. Horrific car accident, I got an overnight stay Mike got a 2 day stay and 3 months out of work
3. Mike's work accident, 40 foot fall from scaffolding, started in ER ended up in Trauma
4. Birth of Ezra and recovery from c-section, 4 days
5. Incision infection, drained and re-packed - probably the grossest thing that's ever happened to me
6. Ezra's recent stint at the Children's hospital

Needless to say I'm a pro at getting to the hospital and the entire intake process.  But when it's your son and not you (or your husband) it's so much worse.

Ezra woke up Tuesday morning (or should I say in the middle of the night on Monday) having lots of trouble breathing and just being generally upset.  He was in and out of sleep with lots of crying and coughing in between.  He wouldn't eat and he had lots of boogers.

Around 4:30 we tried to feed him again but he only ate about 2 oz, and he was wheezing (by my definition) and breathing quickly and not seeming to get enough air.  After 3 different dialed numbers from the dr's office I finally talked to a nurse and she told me to head to the ER.

Just an interjection - if you ever feel like you should take your baby to the ER, take them to the ER.  Dr's have an uncanny ability to make you question your panic (and sanity at times) but usually your instinct is much closer to correct.  I've had one dr tell me to bring the baby in quickly and when I got to the office they tell me that he's just fussy and I should take him for a walk.  Seriously.  Moral of the story, just trust your instinct and don't waste the time with the answering service and trying to explain why you are panicking.

Once we got to the ER, the intake nurse noticed his very heavy breathing and was quick to admit him into a room.  Once we got into the room they checked on him fairly quickly and said that he was in fact working really hard to breathe.  Again, trust your instincts, mom.

Then they put him through baby torture deep suction.  Which basically means they put a tube through his nose into his throat and tried to suck out whatever goop was in there.  His nose bled and he SCREAMED.  It was painful... for me.  I'm just thankful that I didn't have to help her hold him down.

After deep suction, they decided he was still struggling to breathe and tried albuterol.  He actually took to the mask pretty well.  We rocked and sang and he stayed pretty calm.  The albuterol didn't do much for his breathing but it turned him back into the wild man that I know.  He was all.over.the.place.  Rolling, grabbing things, jumping, laughing, trying to crawl, eating the sheets, throwing his toys.  I imagined he felt better, but his belly was really working fast at breathing.

They checked on him again and his breathing rate was an 80, which I guess its supposed to be around 30 or 40.  Yikes.  They all kept commenting about how happy he was and how healthy he looked.  He really loved all the people coming in to smile at him.  He is going to be such a flirt.

They decided to try another albuterol treatment to see if that would calm him down.  No go.  Now they had to decide if they should admit him or not.  I guess the difficulty in the decision was how happy he was - of course happiness is more important that efficient breathing. Right.

I convinced them since I was a nervous wreck that if they sent me home, I would probably turn around in the parking lot and just come back in.  I don't think I could handle having him at home when his breathing was double what it should be.

So we were admitted to the hospital for an overnight stay.  Ezra loved meeting all the nurses and doctors and was rolling around in his cage crib.  I made sure that we had plenty of toys and he seemed to be doing ok.  He was still not eating as much as usual, and was still breathing really quickly, but at least he wasn't struggling to breathe the way he was before.

The know-it-all resident also had to make me feel like a moron right after we were admitted.  I (without a medical degree) mistakingly called the stressed breathing sound that Ezra was making "wheezing."  Apparently, you can only hear wheezing with a stethoscope. Thank you for correcting me Dr, but what should I call the sound that everyone else on earth without a stethoscope calls wheezing?  It's like she knew what I was talking about but she had to correct me.  Annoying.  If I wasn't so worried about Ezra, I might've punched her.

Overnight was great for the baby, but terrible for mommy.  He slept with no complaint (until a 4:30 bottle) but 2 complaints that I have:
why on earth don't they have rocking chairs in a children's hospital?
and what's up with the chairbed? Could we get an air mattress or something?  My legs were legit hanging from the knees down off the end of it and the head part is lower than the butt part so I ended up with a headache.

Not to mention the know-it-all resident Dr scared the BEJEEZUS out of me at 7 in the morning to tell me that Ezra looked ok.  Great, why did you wake me up if he is sleeping and he looks ok????

Ezra loved his cage crib! He was definitely feeling better in the morning

Although his breathing was still fast, I felt comfortable heading home because he wasn't breathing so hard anymore.  His tests came back with a positive for rhino virus, (aka a cold).  Now they are concerned that he is more at risk for asthma.

We are supplied with a nebulizer, and not-so-high-tech snot sucker at home and antibiotics for a snot caused ear infection.  And my baby woke up this morning literally covered with boogers.  All over his face.  Crusty boogers.  It was gross, but I'm so happy he's home!

4 Month Update

That's 1/3 of a year! (for all of you 4th graders learning fractions)

Weight:16 lbs 13 oz, 85th percentile
Height: 25 3/4", 75th percentile
Head Circumference: 17", 75th percentile


Eats: He has started eating some 8 oz bottles at a feeding as opposed to the usual 6 oz.  Also, we've switched to the Level 2 nipples which have a slightly bigger hole this weekend.  I was noticing how lazy he was while he was eating and he was completely distracted by everything going on.  It would take for.ev.er for him to finish a bottle and he was quite gassy.  I'm noticing some decrease in the gassiness.

Also, the doctor gave the greenlight to start solids so we'll probably be giving him some rice cereal some time this week!  I promise not to put to many pictures of Ezra covered in food, but stay tuned for photos of his first feeding!

Sleeps: Amazing.

His new thing is that he "sings" himself to sleep.  He likes to be rocked to sleep (I know, bad mommy, I'm sure I'll be complaining when I have to break this habit) and while he's rocking he puts his mouth on my shoulder and "sings" until he falls asleep.  Cutest.Thing.Ever.

Likes: Jumping.  Seriously, the jumperoo is the best thing that's ever happened in this house.  He could jump all day.  He yells and laughs while he's jumping, and he basically has the springs maxed out.  His little feet are the cutest, he only uses his left foot but he really gets some air.  Best $22 I've ever spent!

Today, he officially started eating his feet.  He must've chewed them for 20 minutes straight at the doctor's so I'm thinking he's moving away from the chewing on the hands to chewing on his feet.  I only mind when he starts pulling off his socks.  We all know how I feel about baby socks...

Dislikes: The snot sucker.  It's his arch enemy.  He had a cold this past week which required frequent meetings with the snot sucker.  It is certifiable baby torture. You'd think I'd twisted off one of his toes or something.  Nope, just sucking snots.  And, yes, I think Ezra is the cutest baby - BUT - he's not as cute with boogers dripping out of his nose.  Ew.

Milestones: He has mastered the back to belly roll in both directions.  Still working on the belly to back.  He just gets mad once he ends up on his belly and kicks his feet and cranks until someone turns him back over so he can do it all again.

2 teeth.  Yes, 2, teeth have broken through on the bottom.  This explains all the drool, chewing, and some of the crying.

He blows raspberries all day long.  So cute.

Things I want to remember about this age: The way you sing yourself to sleep.

Your toothless smile.  I'm sure your toothy smile will be cute, too, but I know I'll miss those gummy ones!

The funny faces you make when you suck on your tongue or bite on your bottom lip.  I need to take more photos!

Here are some 3 month photos for your viewing pleasure:

Ezra and his cousins

Daddy Day Care

Nom nom nom

 

The aquarium

Our 4 month photos were a bit of a disaster...

I love this monkey...

I'm too sexy for my diaper...

Photos are tiring...

Quick Mom, I'm on my belly!

so cute!

The Elephant in the Room

I have to apologize for the time away from the blog.  But I've been going through some emotional things and I just needed to wrap my head around them before I could really get back to being honest and blogging like I like to.

So the elephant in the room is that I am pretty sure that I've been going through Postpartum Depression.  I've been experiencing some pretty intense anxiety about motherhood and it was getting to the point that I was afraid to be alone with the baby.  I would panic when Mike said he was leaving to do something - to the point of tears and irrational behavior.

Add to that other stressful life situations, a 2 week long cold and pink eye, and you get a recipe for a complete breakdown.  Thankfully my mother was able to get me to see that what I was feeling was far from normal motherhood fears and that I should probably talk to a doctor about it.

During my research about my emotional issues I cam across a website with information about PPD symptoms and that's when a light really went on for me.  I copied and pasted the list and highlighted in purple the symptoms that I've been having.  I was surprised at how many actually pertained to me.

• You feel overwhelmed.  Not like "hey, this new mom thing is hard."  More like "I can't do this and I'm never going to be able to do this."  You feel like you just can't handle being a mother.  In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
• You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this.  You feel like your baby deserves better.  You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don't feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would.  You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
• You don't feel bonded to your baby.  You're not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. 
• You can't understand why this is happening.  You are very confused and scared.
• You feel irritated or angry.  You have no patience.  Everything annoys you.  You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don't have babies.  You feel out-of-control rage. 
• You feel nothing.  Emptiness.  You are just going through the motions. 
• You feel sadness to the depths of your soul.  You can't stop crying, even when there's no real reason to be crying.
• You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better.  You feel weak and defective.  You feel like a failure. 
• You can't bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
• You can't sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time.  Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep no matter how tired you are.  Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can't seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done.  Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up, and it's not just because you have a newborn.
• You can't concentrate.  You can't focus.  You can't think of the words you want to say.  You can't remember what you were supposed to do.  You can't make a decision.  You feel like you're in a fog.
• You feel disconnected.  You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there's an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
• Maybe you're doing everything right.  You are exercising.  You are taking your vitamins.  You have a healthy spirituality.  You do yoga.  You're thinking "Why can't I just get over this?"   You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can't.
• You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind.  Or you've thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.  Or you may have thoughts of harming others.
• You know something is wrong.  You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right.  You think you've "gone crazy".
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you've lost the "old you" forever.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you.  Or that your baby will be taken away.  

It's scary to think about how I was feeling now that I'm starting to feel better.  I decided to take a small dose of anxiety medication and it has helped, A LOT.  I'm feeling more and more like my old self.

It was difficult to feel like a failure as a mother but to know how much I wished to be a mother.  I just wanted to get in my car and drive away and start over.  I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping.  I was always mad at Mike.  I was overwhelmed with changing a diaper - like I felt like I couldn't do it right even though I'd been doing it for 3 months already.

I couldn't decide what to wear, never mind what to have for dinner.  My heart would pound every time I was alone with the baby.  I cried when I had a snow day and had to stay home from school with him.  I wasn't having that magical, hearts in the air, connection with the baby and I felt guilty about it.  I felt like I didn't ever know what was wrong with him when he cried and I couldn't handle it.  I felt like everyone thought I was a terrible mother.

The most difficult part was realizing that it wasn't normal.  Everyone says motherhood is difficult, and I anticipated that, but I couldn't understand how anyone would ever want to have another baby after having one.  I couldn't understand how anyone would want to be home with their baby all day.  I couldn't understand how I thought that I wanted to be a mother when I just felt like I couldn't do it.

Now that my emotions are under control, I can look at Ezra and smile.  I can think about him during the day at work and my heart swells.  I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day and on the weekends.  I'm just feeling like the mom I always knew I was.  I can do housework.  I can eat and decide what to wear in the morning without anxiety.  I'm just feeling like myself again.

I still have moments of anxiety, but I'm doing much better with dealing with them.  

How can you not love coming home to this?

 

 

Some Favorite Things: 3 months

So, sorry for the blog-cation.  Things have been a little nutty around here, more on that later...

I have to say we only have 3 new favorite things now.  Ezra is showing lots more interest in his toys but I think once he can sit, roll, possibly crawl, he'll show even more interest.  Right now, everything is just going in his mouth, including the dog's nose, my hair, and other things that are not meant to be baby toys, so I'm not sure we can really  judge which items are his favorite.  heehee


Terry Cloth Bibs

Ezra can most definitely drool through a bib in about .4 seconds.  We're going through about 5 bibs a day, maybe more.  We've been speculating that a tooth might be coming in - with the way he gnaws on his hands and toys and all the drool - but nothing.

I prefer these bibs because they don't have a waterproof backing.  They are super absorbent, and absorb quickly.  The ones we have with waterproof backing seem to just make the spit-up and drool just roll off and onto his clothing.  I think the ones with the backing will be better once he starts eating food and we really just need a splash mat as opposed to something with absorbency.

These are from my least favorite store, Babies R Us.  10 for $12.99

Vibrating Teether

Affectionately called "the grapes."  We also have one that is shaped like a strawberry.  They sell for about $12 each on Amazon, but I got ours cheaper at Babies R Us ::gasp:: I almost can't believe it myself.

One of the main reasons we think Ezra might be teething is because he chomps on these grapes like nobody's business.  He is still working on how to hold them himself and get them into his mouth so that he can bite them the right way to make them vibrate. 

I don't know if they soothe him or not, but I've hung them from his floor gym and he always goes for them first.



Fisher Price Ocean Wonders Jumperoo

This was the bargain of the century!  I actually got the floor model from BRU, put together, with batteries for $22.  These things sell for $80 and up so I'll take it!

My sister in law has a similar one and Ezra loves to jump in it during the day at her house.  I was so excited to find one so cheap for our house! He definitely prefers this over the stationary excersaucer and is quite the jumper.  I like that the music and lights play when he moves and they aren't too annoying yet.

My only complaint is that it isn't as sturdy as the newer versions (precious planet, rainforest, laugh 'n learn).  This one's legs are quite wobbly.  I don't usually leave him in it if I'm planning to leave the room for more than a pee break.  All the pieces are snapped together, so I'm not worried about it coming apart, at all, I just would prefer if it were a little more stable.

Here's a photo of the little guy enjoying some of his favorite things! (and yes there's Maybel being nosy)

3 Month Update

Weight:My guess would be about 18 pounds (he doesn't have another appointment until next month) He's almost grown out of his 6 months clothes! Yikes!
Height: ?
Head Circumference: ?


Eats: We've made the switch to formula officially.  I'm still weeding through my freezer stash at this point so he's getting some breast milk every day.  It was just too much for me to pump at work and I wasn't getting enough each time I pumped to replace a feeding.  I think it's much less stressful for me - which is nice, and Ezra couldn't care less.

Sleeps: Amazing.  No real problems here.  My chubby baby is a great sleeper.

He's been moved to his crib with no real issues.  He naps and sleeps there and doesn't seem to mind. 


Likes: Music.  He loves to hear the music on his exersaucer or at church.  I'm not a great singer, but he seems to like it when I sing to him. (Maybe he's just humoring me)

He likes to suck/chew on his hands.  They are always in his mouth.  This leads to much drool and lots of bib and shirt changes.  Sometimes he'll fall asleep just sucking on his fist.  He has a lot more success locating his hands than a pacifier so I don't really mind!  We are wondering if there is a tooth coming through under there though with the force he sometimes chews on his fingers.

He also likes any toys that light up.  The movement of something is much less interesting than something with lights.

Dislikes: He seems to get bored much more quickly now.  He likes change - new hanging toys, different place in the house, different sounds.

He also seems to not like it when Mike and I are eating.  No matter what his schedule is that day (if he should be happy because he just ate, or should be sleeping, or whatever) he always gets upset during dinner time.  Usually just one of us gets to eat at a time.  We've tried the bouncer, the bumbo, the excersaucer - he just doesn't like to see us eating!  I have a feeling he's going to love the transition to solids in a few months.

Milestones: He rolled over!!  See this post for a video.  He's only rolled completely over that one time, but he's been attempting to roll over a lot.  He gets those little legs going and it's the cutest thing!

We also moved up a snap on his cloth diapers.  He's now in the medium rise setting.  This just means he's growing!

He's sleeping in his crib!

Things I want to remember about this age: The way you nuzzle my neck when you're tired.

The sounds you make in your crib when you're talking to yourself.  Whether you're blowing raspberries, yelling, singing, or gurgling I love sitting by the baby monitor just to listen.


The way you kick your feet when you're excited about something (or angry).  They go a mile a minute - like you want them to take you somewhere.

The first morning smile over the edge of the crib.  Sometimes I think you forgot that I lived there, too, and you're surprised to see me.  It's the best smile of the day.

Here are some 3 month photos for your viewing pleasure:

Go Pats! (Even though they lost)

Look at those neck muscles!

Baby in his Bumbo

My favorite PJ's

Cutest double chin I've ever seen

Cheers!

 P.S. You can always put your email in the subscribe section on the right if you want to get more frequent Ezra updates!