Not sure what to make of this...

A friend (actually a best friend), with whom I've been having some recent difficulty, just said to me that I "need to try to heal" after telling me that I'm always upset. Thanks for the tip. I'll get right on that. WTF

::sigh:: Here's to a great morning

Wise Words and Apologies

Usually I'm a Christmas Freak. I love decorating, lights, shopping, wrapping presents, singing, the whole nine yards. This part time job is kicking my proverbial ass. I'm tired, bitchy, and never home. Its the week OF Christmas and we still only have lights on the tree. Classic.

My mom said the saddest thing ever to me on the phone today, too. I guess she told my Memere (grandmother for those of you who are not French-Canadian) that I had a miscarriage. She had lost twins after my dad and his sister were born and she said that even though she knew that she couldn't have provided for the babies and that it really was the best thing that she lost them, her heart still ached. There is no convincing your heart. So true.

On another note, apparently I have been a raging bitch every where else in my life. I'm embarrassed to admit that it is true. I am mad at the world, and I can't get away from it. I haven't had much fun in a while, and I can't say that it isn't my fault. Although I've been working a lot, I haven't made anytime for the things that make me happy - exercise (no, I'm not lying), crafting, and hanging out with friends. Not only that, my friends are now avoiding my bitchtastic self.

Although I've been a raging lunatic, I can honestly say that my closest of friends has been anything but supportive. She has never asked me how things are going after all of this, and actually changes the subject if I bring it up. She has said the detested "you know they didn't mean it that way" to me at least 3 times. She blatantly avoids seeing me, and, this weekend for example, would rather watch a movie than hang out with me on my only night off in over a month. Now, I don't expect her to drop everything just for me (well maybe a little) but I am a little hurt that she didn't even sound disappointed or attempt to make other plans. While I know I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now, shouldn't your best friend love you unconditionally?

I keep trying to tell myself that I have a reason to be this way, but I really don't. Things can always be worse. I just have to figure out a way to claw back up to the surface and most likely apologize to a few people...

"They didn't mean it that way"

If one more person says that to me, I might punch them.

Do you really think that I'm that stupid that I didn't know that what they said wasn't intended to hurt my feelings? Do you think I'm looking to get upset every time someone mentions something baby related?

I can't believe that all the people in my life that I love so much, can't see how even when the intentions are innocent it still hurts like a b*tch. I understand my misfortune has nothing to do with others' fortune, but it still sucks. If someone's dog just died would you go around them and complain about how much of a pain in the ass your dog is? I think not. Most people would call you insensitive.

I don't know when it will be "my turn" so stop asking. I know that it is exciting to feel your baby move for the first time, and you should be excited, but it still makes me want to cry to hear about it. Am I not allowed to say that to a friend just to vent? I know that your baby bump isn't there just to make me feel bad, and it is more than uncomfortable to be pregnant, but I don't want to hear about it. Does that make me a bad person? I know that it isn't easy to have a baby before you are married. Should I feel bad for you even though you don't realize the miracle that you have?

I'm so sick of feeling this way. But I'm also sick of people not understanding, or trying to understand. I didn't think I'd still be upset two and a half months later, but I am, and I don't think that I should have to feel like that is wrong.