Today is just one of those days

I think I've lost all self-control.

I know that I haven't been "charting" at all. I haven't touched an OPK or a BBT in months. I don't check my CM or CP. I just notice when my period starts and then starts again to estimate what my next cycle might be like. Many of my fellow "bumpies" would be appalled at how much I suck at TTC, but since the miscarriage, it has been easier for me to have 3 non-stressed weeks and 1 completely freaking out week, then a day of sadness, then I move on. I even canceled my OBGYN appointment to get further testing done. Sometimes my logic doesn't make sense to even me.

So today I had class. I felt not great. I knew that today was cd28, so AF was impending and I figured it was my body reacting to the witch's arrival. When I came home from class, I had a weird sharp pain on my right side, right where my ovary supposedly is. So I checked my CM, watery. So I figured, cd 28 and I'm ovulating. Why me? I was surprised but after a year and a half of all this craziness, I knew I shouldn't be surprised at all.

So I took an OPK, on a whim. Completely, utterly, positive. The most positive I've ever seen. At this point, I'm thinking, "when will Mike's friend's leave so we can take advantage of this moment?" How perfect that I just had a feeling, acted on a whim, and I caught my surge. This definitely improves our chances!

Then my mind crept back to the OPK as HPT theory. (see peeonastick.com) Dammit. Why can I not control myself? I know this will be a total let down, and I shouldn't even be thinking that this OPK could possibly mean that I'm knocked up. Again, it's amazing how little I can control myself when it comes to all of this getting pregnant stuff.

So I get back in my car and drive to CVS. Pick up HPT's (3 HPT's, mind you), drive back home and decide to get in the shower and see if I want to take one after my shower. Showers always clear my head. Let me just see how long the test takes, if it's quick, I'll do it now, if not I'll wait. 3 minutes, I guess I have time now.

So I squeeze out the teeniest amount of pee into my handy-dandy pee cup, dip the test and watch my urine fly across the test window. Then I see the control line come up, nothing in the test line. So I put the test in the bedroom and walked away, trying not to cry. About 4 1/2 seconds later I walk back over, it's like a car crash, I just couldn't stop watching.

And there it is, the most beautiful little pink test line. Holy SHIT!! It's positive!! I'm pregnant!!!! I can't even believe this right now, it's just so amazing.

So, here's to round two (::raises my non-alcoholic drink::) and being cautiously optimistic. I can't believe I'm getting back on this ride!!!!