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Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Waiting Room

That's where I feel like I am right now, without the crappy magazines, mind you. A holding cell of sorts. Not sure if it'll be good news or bad when we finally get to go to the doctor's. Will we be having the last supper or a celebratory dinner?

It's hard not to think about every little twinge or feeling or emotion, and think "maybe this is a good sign? or is it a bad sign?" I didn't realize how nerve wracking these first few weeks are going to be now that we've experienced one loss. Sometimes I think I even forget that I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to even be having this feeling, but it's weird not to associate a positive pregnancy test with a baby in 9 months. I'm on the emotional defensive. My brain isn't capable of feeling anything close to certainty right now. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself to breathe and that we can't do anything to change what we will see on March 1st. I'm hoping it's a little flea with a flicker of a heartbeat.

M is much less emotional about it all. Quite frankly, he doesn't want to talk about it. He keeps saying he's afraid to get too attached or too excited and then have his heart ripped out again. I totally get it, but I wish we didn't have all these worries. I wish we had a guarantee.

Not to mention time is moving at a snail pace right now. It feels like it's been a month and it's only been a week. 14 days seems too far away.

I'm trying to stay positive. I keep thanking God that today I'm pregnant, and I feel great, but must say 500 "please let this be it" prayers. I'm trying to believe that this will all work out the way it is "supposed" to, I'm just praying every day that this is "supposed" to be our chance to be parents!

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