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Sunday, October 4, 2009

Not sure what the title of this should be

So, it's been a roller coaster these last few days/weeks.  I am beginning to feel like I'm the only one in my life that remembers my m/c.  My friends are no longer asking me how I am, my family has already moved on, M tries not to bring it up, but I seem to be stuck.  No matter how much I want to move on, I still feel like I can't.  I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either.  It's a tough place to be.

It seems like everything in life makes me think of the baby.  Movies with the nephew, shopping for birthday presents, going out to eat, etc. etc.  I can't get away from maternity clothes, baby toys, cute kids, and always reminding myself that it isn't that time for me yet.  I think that might be the difficult part, that I don't know when it will be the time for us.  I hope its soon.

I'm having some irrational fears about trying again.  I don't know how excited I will be the next time I get a BFP.  I think I'll be petrified.  This loss has really shaken me in a way I didn't expect.  I keep trying to tell myself that if it happened once it will happen again, but I'm a little afraid that when it does happen again, I'll be such a nervous wreck it won't quite be the experience that it should be.

**sigh**

I am excited to say that being back at work helps.  Doing things help.  I'm trying to get back into crafting, which always passes the time in a productive way.  My mom and I are taking a knitting class next week which should be fun.  I'm trying to figure out how to improve my quilting skills and try some new things with my sewing machine.  I also know that I have classes coming up and I'm a little afraid that I will be too overwhelmed with all of that to keep the house in order and still find time for fun things for myself.

My birthday is also coming up.  26.  Nothing exciting about 26.  I've decided to forgo the usual big celebration and go for something smaller.  Working out the logistics seems impossible right now though.  I wanted to do a dinner party for our closest friends, but my BFF has her father's birthday celebration next weekend, there is a Pat's game on Sunday, and I have 2 surprise 30th birthday parties for 2 different people on 2 days.  Not to mention classes start back up in 2 weeks.  I'm hoping that we can still work something out for next Sunday.  I definitely need a fun project and party to put me in a better mood.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the same way you do about the m/c...all I want to do is talk about it, but at the same time I wish I could just move on and forget...hopefully this will come for both of us soon.

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