It's official

Anytime I've lived something difficult I always wonder what lesson I am supposed to learn, or how is this trial going to help me later in life. I have always lived believing that there is a reason for everything, and for some reason I have to live this hell. I hope that I know what that reason is soon and that I can turn this negative into a positive, somehow. I'm struggling.

I got the call from my doctor about 30 minutes ago (actually, I was harassing my doctor and called). My BETA is 561 right now but the ultrasound didn't show a gestational sac or fetal pole. They believe that I miscarried yesterday in the Ultrasound room right before my internal ultrasound. How ironic. I have to go back Monday morning to make sure that my numbers are decreasing and I don't need a D&C. I really hope I don't need a D&C.

I can't explain in words how difficult it is to know that our baby is gone. Although it's only been 2 1/2 weeks that I knew the baby was there, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and twisted in knots. I know that the baby is in a better place and this happened for a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've felt better today than yesterday, but I still cry at the drop of a hat. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, or to seeing all of our friends at a party on Saturday. I don't want to see all the sad faces of people feeling bad for us, or hear all their condolences. I don't know if I'll make it out of that alive.

I just hope that I can keep the pieces together and make it through the next few weeks. I hope that I hear that everything is ok and we can keep trying for another. I hope that I don't ever have to feel this pain again, and one day I can hold my beautiful little one and decide that it was all worth it. Right now, the last year of my life feels like a waste.