It's over.

Although I haven't heard official confirmation from my doctor, I went for an ultrasound and the tech could only find a large mass of uterine lining moving towards my cervix. Right before this, I had to empty my bladder and when I wiped, I found a small, purplish, hard clot. I knew at that moment that this was my baby.

I know I should be thankful that I was able to even get pregnant after over a year of trying. I know that I should be grateful for all of the wonderful things that I have in my life, healthy family, wonderful friends, and a great husband, but I'm so sad. I don't think I've ever felt this sad. I wish I knew why this happened, and, although I know that I probably never will, its difficult not to have "what ifs" and guilt.

I have never experienced as much pain as I felt to pass that clot. I had cold sweats, nausea, and I could barely get off the couch to drive to the radiology center. When I got there, the women who worked there put me in the back room because I was shaking and crying and in so much pain I could barely see straight. I was convinced this was an ectopic pregnancy, and I'm glad that I was wrong.

I don't know if I can say that I'm surprised, because I always knew there was a chance of miscarriage, but I convinced myself to have hope that this baby would stick. I can say that I'm sad for me and I'm not sure when I will be ready to start this process again. I just can't wait until the day that God decides we get to have a baby, and I'm trying to focus on the fact that that will happen some day and I just need to get through this tough time first.