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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It's over.

Although I haven't heard official confirmation from my doctor, I went for an ultrasound and the tech could only find a large mass of uterine lining moving towards my cervix. Right before this, I had to empty my bladder and when I wiped, I found a small, purplish, hard clot. I knew at that moment that this was my baby.

I know I should be thankful that I was able to even get pregnant after over a year of trying. I know that I should be grateful for all of the wonderful things that I have in my life, healthy family, wonderful friends, and a great husband, but I'm so sad. I don't think I've ever felt this sad. I wish I knew why this happened, and, although I know that I probably never will, its difficult not to have "what ifs" and guilt.

I have never experienced as much pain as I felt to pass that clot. I had cold sweats, nausea, and I could barely get off the couch to drive to the radiology center. When I got there, the women who worked there put me in the back room because I was shaking and crying and in so much pain I could barely see straight. I was convinced this was an ectopic pregnancy, and I'm glad that I was wrong.

I don't know if I can say that I'm surprised, because I always knew there was a chance of miscarriage, but I convinced myself to have hope that this baby would stick. I can say that I'm sad for me and I'm not sure when I will be ready to start this process again. I just can't wait until the day that God decides we get to have a baby, and I'm trying to focus on the fact that that will happen some day and I just need to get through this tough time first.


  1. Sweetie- I"m so sorry. I"m going through the same thing, and I only bled for one day, so I have a long way to go. It's awful. Horrible, and not fair. It's scary to think of trying again. You're not alone. You take care of yourself.

  2. I'm so sorry! Thinking and praying for you and your DH! Big hugs.


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